[ Obviously Satoru wouldn't need anyone's help coming back to life...
He shrugs one shoulder. ]
I don't know what the others did. We got separated after I died, and I didn't see them again until she teleported us all to some weird pocket dimension to fight her.
We went past the woods in the village, and found a city. That's where we saw your corpse hanging on a tree. [ and other corpses but who cares ] That's where I died.
But I was revived by the necromancer —Delilah—as an undead, and she was in my head. Trying to get me to kill the people of the city for her.
[ He pauses. ]
I did. I don't know how many or for how long, but eventually I stopped, and that's when she took all of us somewhere else. It kind of looked like a domain expansion. That's where we fought her.
[ WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE SWEET THINGS YOU WERE THINKING? Satoru opens his mouth, eyebrows knitting as he squints, just... Trying to fathom being called out like this.
It's unexpected.
He lifts his head, straightening up, but still cradling him. ]
[ He can also be thinking not sweet things. Emotions are complex.
For example, sitting in Satoru's lap when he's being small and hiding from the world is okay, but now, with clarity and full height, it's weird so he grips the couch so that he can shuffle further away.
His emotions cool almost instantly, that initial irritation fading. ]
I know. I know that losing the Six Eyes and not having Infinity is a lot, and that it's... not about me.
But it's hard to be [ ugh, vulnerable is such a gross word ] open when it's like that.
[ I see... June is ending so homophobia is rising. What is he supposed to do about it? His lips press into a fine line as he lets Suguru go, leaving his arms empty.
There's the urge lean into violence like usual and beat him up because this seems stupid, but... Satoru can see it bothers him—he can parse that what Suguru says bothers him, too. He grabs a cushion to keep himself occupied, resting his head atop it as he closes his tired eyes.
Stupid, complicated emotions. ]
I don't want anything to happen to us. [ And this goes beyond just waking up to a cold corpse. He doesn't want to wake up to find Suguru is a changed person. This comes in a murmur, but audible enough. ] ... What should I do?
[ Lost. How can he fix this? Does Suguru have an answer? ]
[ Satoru is so cute, Suguru why did you do this. 😭😭😭
But anyway... There is almost an instant moment of regret. Of hurting Satoru when he had only trying to help. He doesn't want anything to happen to them either. More than anything, he wants Satoru to get out okay, be safe, be happy. The strongest sorcerer in the world doesn't need his concern, but he gives it anyway.
And he doesn't want to go away from him or Shoko either. He wants to stay with them, but he doesn't know if he can. He feels like a puzzle piece trying to fit in the wrong place. There's too much wrong with him to make any of this happen. ]
... Things are already happening, Satoru. You're the strongest.
[ He rubs a hand over his eyes. ]
And I... I don't know if I'll be okay if I go back to Tokyo. [ ... ] But you don't have to shoulder everything. You don't have to fix me.
... I'm not the strongest if you're feeling like this.
[ That's ultimately what it is, isn't it? He can become the strongest sorcerer and be the weight that keeps the scales from tipping, but he's helpless when facing their own dwindling numbers...
He couldn't give what his best friend needs or needed, but perhaps that wasn't something he could have provided. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, systematic frameworks that put them into this position, that need changing.
But still, in this place without that, they're here. He doesn't need to see Suguru's face, he just needs to hear his voice, and it almost sounds like he's losing him. This time can he say something different? ]
You shouldn't feel alone.
[ Burying his head into the cushion, he logically understands it is egotistical and arrogant to believe he is the cause, or that he could fix it, but he can't not process it like that. His life since birth had lifted him into the realm near the gods, they had chanted he would be able to move heaven and earth, and that as long as he breathes jujutsu society can overcome any darkness that threatens mankind.
... How can a god be so powerless?
Just thinking about the stupid question has him violently chuck the cushion somewhere, throwing a small tantrum. ]
That's what's wrong with you. You feel alone.
[ And his mannerisms and paranoia are exacerbating that. ]
[ He doesn't think he's ever heard Satoru state he isn't the strongest. Satoru's confidence is as integral to who he is as his Six Eyes, and brilliant hair. His weird gangly limbs, and inability to stop growing taller.
He was the strongest, he believed he was the strongest, and he wanted to be the strongest, and so Suguru couldn't remain at his side any longer. He couldn't keep up because there was no breath in his lungs to run the marathon of shamanism.
So yeah, he does feel alone, but some callous part of him didn't expect Satoru to care.
Or at the very least, he hadn't expected Satoru to want to understand him.
Softly, ] That's not your fault, Satoru.
[ He feels so hopeless, and he can't imagine going back to Tokyo and continuing on the path of a sorcerer without being ground down into nothing. But he doesn't want Satoru here with him—it's so stupid complicated, wanting his best friend to relate to how he feels, while at the same time wanting to spare him the loneliness and despair.
With the pillow gone, it's easy for him to take Satoru's hands in his own. ]
... I don't want you to hate me. That's why I don't want to talk to you. [ Because Satoru and Shoko are his family. And if they drift further apart than they already are then... ] I'm scared of something happening to us too.
[ Despite his short delivery full of candor and annoyance, the gravitas is technically there. The rattling stops, but he keeps holding Suguru's hand. These words come easy to him with full confidence, spilling naturally like a waterfall. He doesn't know that his feelings for Suguru will not change in the next ten years, but he's resolute with nothing else except trust in himself, anyway.
His expression matches his emotions, unyielding and obstinate. ]
I would never hate you.
[ First reason why Suguru is an idiot, a bonafide dumbass. There are other points, but he will let this one sink in first. He has learned pacing is important. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That's very comforting... You guys didn't just go along with her at first, right?
[ It sounds stupid to him, obviously. ]
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He shrugs one shoulder. ]
I don't know what the others did. We got separated after I died, and I didn't see them again until she teleported us all to some weird pocket dimension to fight her.
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So there's a gap in between there... Got an afterlife wherever that medieval place is?
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[ Is he interested in religion now. ]
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[ He's trying to imagine this weird ass cyoa. ]
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Right. So.
We went past the woods in the village, and found a city. That's where we saw your corpse hanging on a tree. [ and other corpses but who cares ] That's where I died.
But I was revived by the necromancer —Delilah—as an undead, and she was in my head. Trying to get me to kill the people of the city for her.
[ He pauses. ]
I did. I don't know how many or for how long, but eventually I stopped, and that's when she took all of us somewhere else. It kind of looked like a domain expansion. That's where we fought her.
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Most importantly!! ]
Did you guys win?
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Yeah. We beat her, but I don't know if she's dead. I can still hear her heartbeat in my head sometimes.
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Sounds like you'll have to let me talk a whooooooole lot so we can drown her out!
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Hmm, okay. I'm counting on you.
[ Normally he would just get in a jab about how he'd prefer the heartbeat, but... not today. ]
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[ it isn't about you gojo
He gently bonks their heads when Suguru pulls away. Then after a pause, carefully... ]
... You're feeling all right?
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But at the question, he grows pensive. ]
I'll be okay.
[ It's hard enough for Satoru to see his weak sides. He doesn't want him to see the ugly sides. ]
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I told you to tell me if anything is bothering you.
[ Slowly learning needing support doesn't necessarily make people weak. ]
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You don't even trust me enough to sleep around me.
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It's unexpected.
He lifts his head, straightening up, but still cradling him. ]
It isn't like that.
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For example, sitting in Satoru's lap when he's being small and hiding from the world is okay, but now, with clarity and full height, it's weird so he grips the couch so that he can shuffle further away.
His emotions cool almost instantly, that initial irritation fading. ]
I know. I know that losing the Six Eyes and not having Infinity is a lot, and that it's... not about me.
But it's hard to be [ ugh, vulnerable is such a gross word ] open when it's like that.
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There's the urge lean into violence like usual and beat him up because this seems stupid, but... Satoru can see it bothers him—he can parse that what Suguru says bothers him, too. He grabs a cushion to keep himself occupied, resting his head atop it as he closes his tired eyes.
Stupid, complicated emotions. ]
I don't want anything to happen to us. [ And this goes beyond just waking up to a cold corpse. He doesn't want to wake up to find Suguru is a changed person. This comes in a murmur, but audible enough. ] ... What should I do?
[ Lost. How can he fix this? Does Suguru have an answer? ]
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But anyway... There is almost an instant moment of regret. Of hurting Satoru when he had only trying to help. He doesn't want anything to happen to them either. More than anything, he wants Satoru to get out okay, be safe, be happy. The strongest sorcerer in the world doesn't need his concern, but he gives it anyway.
And he doesn't want to go away from him or Shoko either. He wants to stay with them, but he doesn't know if he can. He feels like a puzzle piece trying to fit in the wrong place. There's too much wrong with him to make any of this happen. ]
... Things are already happening, Satoru. You're the strongest.
[ He rubs a hand over his eyes. ]
And I... I don't know if I'll be okay if I go back to Tokyo. [ ... ] But you don't have to shoulder everything. You don't have to fix me.
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[ That's ultimately what it is, isn't it? He can become the strongest sorcerer and be the weight that keeps the scales from tipping, but he's helpless when facing their own dwindling numbers...
He couldn't give what his best friend needs or needed, but perhaps that wasn't something he could have provided. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, systematic frameworks that put them into this position, that need changing.
But still, in this place without that, they're here. He doesn't need to see Suguru's face, he just needs to hear his voice, and it almost sounds like he's losing him. This time can he say something different? ]
You shouldn't feel alone.
[ Burying his head into the cushion, he logically understands it is egotistical and arrogant to believe he is the cause, or that he could fix it, but he can't not process it like that. His life since birth had lifted him into the realm near the gods, they had chanted he would be able to move heaven and earth, and that as long as he breathes jujutsu society can overcome any darkness that threatens mankind.
... How can a god be so powerless?
Just thinking about the stupid question has him violently chuck the cushion somewhere, throwing a small tantrum. ]
That's what's wrong with you. You feel alone.
[ And his mannerisms and paranoia are exacerbating that. ]
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He was the strongest, he believed he was the strongest, and he wanted to be the strongest, and so Suguru couldn't remain at his side any longer. He couldn't keep up because there was no breath in his lungs to run the marathon of shamanism.
So yeah, he does feel alone, but some callous part of him didn't expect Satoru to care.
Or at the very least, he hadn't expected Satoru to want to understand him.
Softly, ] That's not your fault, Satoru.
[ He feels so hopeless, and he can't imagine going back to Tokyo and continuing on the path of a sorcerer without being ground down into nothing. But he doesn't want Satoru here with him—it's so stupid complicated, wanting his best friend to relate to how he feels, while at the same time wanting to spare him the loneliness and despair.
With the pillow gone, it's easy for him to take Satoru's hands in his own. ]
... I don't want you to hate me. That's why I don't want to talk to you. [ Because Satoru and Shoko are his family. And if they drift further apart than they already are then... ] I'm scared of something happening to us too.
So I'm just pretending that nothing is.
[ At least while they're here, he can pretend. ]
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You're an idiot.
[ While holding his hand because he's spoiled. This is his. ]
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instinctively, ] Shut up.
[ Ugh. ]
You should hate me. Killing civilians and not caring about it isn't normal.
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The grip on his hand tightens, then he rattles him violently. ]
Actually, I take it back. You're a dumbass.
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He's annoyed again. ]
Satoru. I'm being serious. If we were in Japan, I'd have a death sentence on my head.
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[ Despite his short delivery full of candor and annoyance, the gravitas is technically there. The rattling stops, but he keeps holding Suguru's hand. These words come easy to him with full confidence, spilling naturally like a waterfall. He doesn't know that his feelings for Suguru will not change in the next ten years, but he's resolute with nothing else except trust in himself, anyway.
His expression matches his emotions, unyielding and obstinate. ]
I would never hate you.
[ First reason why Suguru is an idiot, a bonafide dumbass. There are other points, but he will let this one sink in first. He has learned pacing is important. ]
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