[ WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE SWEET THINGS YOU WERE THINKING? Satoru opens his mouth, eyebrows knitting as he squints, just... Trying to fathom being called out like this.
It's unexpected.
He lifts his head, straightening up, but still cradling him. ]
[ He can also be thinking not sweet things. Emotions are complex.
For example, sitting in Satoru's lap when he's being small and hiding from the world is okay, but now, with clarity and full height, it's weird so he grips the couch so that he can shuffle further away.
His emotions cool almost instantly, that initial irritation fading. ]
I know. I know that losing the Six Eyes and not having Infinity is a lot, and that it's... not about me.
But it's hard to be [ ugh, vulnerable is such a gross word ] open when it's like that.
[ I see... June is ending so homophobia is rising. What is he supposed to do about it? His lips press into a fine line as he lets Suguru go, leaving his arms empty.
There's the urge lean into violence like usual and beat him up because this seems stupid, but... Satoru can see it bothers him—he can parse that what Suguru says bothers him, too. He grabs a cushion to keep himself occupied, resting his head atop it as he closes his tired eyes.
Stupid, complicated emotions. ]
I don't want anything to happen to us. [ And this goes beyond just waking up to a cold corpse. He doesn't want to wake up to find Suguru is a changed person. This comes in a murmur, but audible enough. ] ... What should I do?
[ Lost. How can he fix this? Does Suguru have an answer? ]
[ Satoru is so cute, Suguru why did you do this. 😭😭😭
But anyway... There is almost an instant moment of regret. Of hurting Satoru when he had only trying to help. He doesn't want anything to happen to them either. More than anything, he wants Satoru to get out okay, be safe, be happy. The strongest sorcerer in the world doesn't need his concern, but he gives it anyway.
And he doesn't want to go away from him or Shoko either. He wants to stay with them, but he doesn't know if he can. He feels like a puzzle piece trying to fit in the wrong place. There's too much wrong with him to make any of this happen. ]
... Things are already happening, Satoru. You're the strongest.
[ He rubs a hand over his eyes. ]
And I... I don't know if I'll be okay if I go back to Tokyo. [ ... ] But you don't have to shoulder everything. You don't have to fix me.
... I'm not the strongest if you're feeling like this.
[ That's ultimately what it is, isn't it? He can become the strongest sorcerer and be the weight that keeps the scales from tipping, but he's helpless when facing their own dwindling numbers...
He couldn't give what his best friend needs or needed, but perhaps that wasn't something he could have provided. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, systematic frameworks that put them into this position, that need changing.
But still, in this place without that, they're here. He doesn't need to see Suguru's face, he just needs to hear his voice, and it almost sounds like he's losing him. This time can he say something different? ]
You shouldn't feel alone.
[ Burying his head into the cushion, he logically understands it is egotistical and arrogant to believe he is the cause, or that he could fix it, but he can't not process it like that. His life since birth had lifted him into the realm near the gods, they had chanted he would be able to move heaven and earth, and that as long as he breathes jujutsu society can overcome any darkness that threatens mankind.
... How can a god be so powerless?
Just thinking about the stupid question has him violently chuck the cushion somewhere, throwing a small tantrum. ]
That's what's wrong with you. You feel alone.
[ And his mannerisms and paranoia are exacerbating that. ]
[ He doesn't think he's ever heard Satoru state he isn't the strongest. Satoru's confidence is as integral to who he is as his Six Eyes, and brilliant hair. His weird gangly limbs, and inability to stop growing taller.
He was the strongest, he believed he was the strongest, and he wanted to be the strongest, and so Suguru couldn't remain at his side any longer. He couldn't keep up because there was no breath in his lungs to run the marathon of shamanism.
So yeah, he does feel alone, but some callous part of him didn't expect Satoru to care.
Or at the very least, he hadn't expected Satoru to want to understand him.
Softly, ] That's not your fault, Satoru.
[ He feels so hopeless, and he can't imagine going back to Tokyo and continuing on the path of a sorcerer without being ground down into nothing. But he doesn't want Satoru here with him—it's so stupid complicated, wanting his best friend to relate to how he feels, while at the same time wanting to spare him the loneliness and despair.
With the pillow gone, it's easy for him to take Satoru's hands in his own. ]
... I don't want you to hate me. That's why I don't want to talk to you. [ Because Satoru and Shoko are his family. And if they drift further apart than they already are then... ] I'm scared of something happening to us too.
[ Despite his short delivery full of candor and annoyance, the gravitas is technically there. The rattling stops, but he keeps holding Suguru's hand. These words come easy to him with full confidence, spilling naturally like a waterfall. He doesn't know that his feelings for Suguru will not change in the next ten years, but he's resolute with nothing else except trust in himself, anyway.
His expression matches his emotions, unyielding and obstinate. ]
I would never hate you.
[ First reason why Suguru is an idiot, a bonafide dumbass. There are other points, but he will let this one sink in first. He has learned pacing is important. ]
... I don't think killing civilians and feeling absolutely nothing about it is a good thing.
[ To be clear. Satoru was always at odds due to his lack of care for the masses, but he has grown since then thanks to Suguru. Those ideals and that care for others is still a part of him, much like this growing disdain. ]
But you know that. Doesn't that speak a lot for yourself?
[ That he isn't too far gone yet? That he isn't near despicable as he thinks he is? Even if Satoru would absolve him because life sometimes is a gamble of where you end up, he tries to see past his bias.
Affection week calls for him to rub the side of Suguru's pointer finger as they hold hands, slowly interlacing. This really could have been fisticuffs (emotional). ]
Their fingers interlace, and he looks down at their hands. He just feels... so sad. ]
I don't only want to save myself.
[ Saving people... He really does think he's some special guy out there who was born to save people. (These are my thoughts.) ]
I'm a Special Grade too, who would they send on my missions? I don't want you, or Nanami, or any other sorcerer to be used at weapons until you break. It'd be selfish to just leave.
[ When you try to give a guy a break and his noble soul becomes anxious despite earlier feeling apathy to killing civilians... Jujutsu sorcerers seldom work out of altruism. There's always self-interest involved whether it be politics or money, but a few do step up.
Satoru squints at him, mildly annoyed, but also comforted. He can feel the sorrow emanating from Suguru's person, so he gently tries to lay everything out one at a time. ]
Plenty of people leave and sometimes they come back. There are a bunch of options here—to name some, taking less missions for a short time or doing research instead. We can't just keep going about exorcising curses all the time without a solution to the problem, right? Eventually it's going to wipe us and all of Japan out. We can look for a cure.
The society is never out of money, so they can hire independent sorcerers to fill in your spot until you figure it out.
As for Nanami and I, we'll be fine... Just have to reassess mission info to be thorough so what happened to Haibara doesn't repeat.
[ Even though he has a feeling that Nanami will burn out, too, and take a step away from Jujutsu... That isn't a concern. He can keep running the marathon as long as there's a goal, as long as there's something to reach.
[ He's quiet. Satoru isn't saying anything that he disagrees with. He's making a lot of sense. It's just that there's some inherent in him that doesn't believe it's possible. He can't quite believe that things will get better... that he'll get better.
But he doesn't think that the depressed voice in his head wants what's best for him. Satoru does though.
Satoru cares, wants to understand, and thinks things should change.
He pulls one hand free so that he can rub his eyes. His eyes are dry of tears, but he still feels warm with emotion, relief and gratitude heavy and immeasurable in words. ]
When did you become so understanding of others?
[ Said without heat. His other hand holds on tight to Satoru's. ]
[ Satoru normally has enough confidence to be able to do anything, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships... He isn't sure. He isn't sure if what he's saying is going through to him, unsure if it's something he should force or give space, and what steps would need to be made to have this cement.
Quietly, he watches Suguru's form, studying every nuanced shift even though his eyes can't tell him beyond human perception like it used to. It's enough to see Suguru still be torn and conflicted, enough to see there's still a light inside of him that warmly flickers for those around him, even if small. Satoru supposes if he needs to repeat and reassure multiple times, regardless of the time and the costs, it would be worth it.
When the vulnerable displays manifest, he turns away instantly, giving Suguru some privacy, but not letting go of this new hand that's being given to him. It's held just as tight as he considers if he should say anything. Everything else had been easy to say, it was all to help Suguru, but this... ]
It's because of you.
[ Grumbled as he rubs his nose, still keeping his gaze at absolutely nothing. Maybe a family photo of an animal crossing villager. For now, he can put his teenage ego down for a truth. It's a reminder that Suguru has imparted good on people and the world before. This is one, isn't it?
Satoru started looking beyond and below of his summit because of him. ]
[ The fact that Satoru is admitting that his nagging might have actually yielded results might be the most surprising part of this conversation, considering it's something they used to get into fights over all the time.
It warms him anyway, even if he thinks that Satoru should give himself more credit. ]
Thanks for trying to understand.
[ For not leaving him behind when he started falling behind.
He means to take Satoru's other hand again, but instead his fingers brush over his cheek, just under his eyes. Satoru looks tired. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yeah. We beat her, but I don't know if she's dead. I can still hear her heartbeat in my head sometimes.
no subject
Sounds like you'll have to let me talk a whooooooole lot so we can drown her out!
no subject
Hmm, okay. I'm counting on you.
[ Normally he would just get in a jab about how he'd prefer the heartbeat, but... not today. ]
no subject
[ it isn't about you gojo
He gently bonks their heads when Suguru pulls away. Then after a pause, carefully... ]
... You're feeling all right?
no subject
But at the question, he grows pensive. ]
I'll be okay.
[ It's hard enough for Satoru to see his weak sides. He doesn't want him to see the ugly sides. ]
no subject
I told you to tell me if anything is bothering you.
[ Slowly learning needing support doesn't necessarily make people weak. ]
no subject
You don't even trust me enough to sleep around me.
no subject
It's unexpected.
He lifts his head, straightening up, but still cradling him. ]
It isn't like that.
no subject
For example, sitting in Satoru's lap when he's being small and hiding from the world is okay, but now, with clarity and full height, it's weird so he grips the couch so that he can shuffle further away.
His emotions cool almost instantly, that initial irritation fading. ]
I know. I know that losing the Six Eyes and not having Infinity is a lot, and that it's... not about me.
But it's hard to be [ ugh, vulnerable is such a gross word ] open when it's like that.
no subject
There's the urge lean into violence like usual and beat him up because this seems stupid, but... Satoru can see it bothers him—he can parse that what Suguru says bothers him, too. He grabs a cushion to keep himself occupied, resting his head atop it as he closes his tired eyes.
Stupid, complicated emotions. ]
I don't want anything to happen to us. [ And this goes beyond just waking up to a cold corpse. He doesn't want to wake up to find Suguru is a changed person. This comes in a murmur, but audible enough. ] ... What should I do?
[ Lost. How can he fix this? Does Suguru have an answer? ]
no subject
But anyway... There is almost an instant moment of regret. Of hurting Satoru when he had only trying to help. He doesn't want anything to happen to them either. More than anything, he wants Satoru to get out okay, be safe, be happy. The strongest sorcerer in the world doesn't need his concern, but he gives it anyway.
And he doesn't want to go away from him or Shoko either. He wants to stay with them, but he doesn't know if he can. He feels like a puzzle piece trying to fit in the wrong place. There's too much wrong with him to make any of this happen. ]
... Things are already happening, Satoru. You're the strongest.
[ He rubs a hand over his eyes. ]
And I... I don't know if I'll be okay if I go back to Tokyo. [ ... ] But you don't have to shoulder everything. You don't have to fix me.
no subject
[ That's ultimately what it is, isn't it? He can become the strongest sorcerer and be the weight that keeps the scales from tipping, but he's helpless when facing their own dwindling numbers...
He couldn't give what his best friend needs or needed, but perhaps that wasn't something he could have provided. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, systematic frameworks that put them into this position, that need changing.
But still, in this place without that, they're here. He doesn't need to see Suguru's face, he just needs to hear his voice, and it almost sounds like he's losing him. This time can he say something different? ]
You shouldn't feel alone.
[ Burying his head into the cushion, he logically understands it is egotistical and arrogant to believe he is the cause, or that he could fix it, but he can't not process it like that. His life since birth had lifted him into the realm near the gods, they had chanted he would be able to move heaven and earth, and that as long as he breathes jujutsu society can overcome any darkness that threatens mankind.
... How can a god be so powerless?
Just thinking about the stupid question has him violently chuck the cushion somewhere, throwing a small tantrum. ]
That's what's wrong with you. You feel alone.
[ And his mannerisms and paranoia are exacerbating that. ]
no subject
He was the strongest, he believed he was the strongest, and he wanted to be the strongest, and so Suguru couldn't remain at his side any longer. He couldn't keep up because there was no breath in his lungs to run the marathon of shamanism.
So yeah, he does feel alone, but some callous part of him didn't expect Satoru to care.
Or at the very least, he hadn't expected Satoru to want to understand him.
Softly, ] That's not your fault, Satoru.
[ He feels so hopeless, and he can't imagine going back to Tokyo and continuing on the path of a sorcerer without being ground down into nothing. But he doesn't want Satoru here with him—it's so stupid complicated, wanting his best friend to relate to how he feels, while at the same time wanting to spare him the loneliness and despair.
With the pillow gone, it's easy for him to take Satoru's hands in his own. ]
... I don't want you to hate me. That's why I don't want to talk to you. [ Because Satoru and Shoko are his family. And if they drift further apart than they already are then... ] I'm scared of something happening to us too.
So I'm just pretending that nothing is.
[ At least while they're here, he can pretend. ]
no subject
You're an idiot.
[ While holding his hand because he's spoiled. This is his. ]
no subject
instinctively, ] Shut up.
[ Ugh. ]
You should hate me. Killing civilians and not caring about it isn't normal.
no subject
The grip on his hand tightens, then he rattles him violently. ]
Actually, I take it back. You're a dumbass.
no subject
He's annoyed again. ]
Satoru. I'm being serious. If we were in Japan, I'd have a death sentence on my head.
no subject
[ Despite his short delivery full of candor and annoyance, the gravitas is technically there. The rattling stops, but he keeps holding Suguru's hand. These words come easy to him with full confidence, spilling naturally like a waterfall. He doesn't know that his feelings for Suguru will not change in the next ten years, but he's resolute with nothing else except trust in himself, anyway.
His expression matches his emotions, unyielding and obstinate. ]
I would never hate you.
[ First reason why Suguru is an idiot, a bonafide dumbass. There are other points, but he will let this one sink in first. He has learned pacing is important. ]
no subject
He's knows that Satoru never cared as much about being a hero as him, but he's not callous enough to find civilian deaths acceptable.
He can't escape, Satoru is holding onto his hands too tight, but he doesn't say anything, lost in his disbelief. ]
no subject
[ To be clear. Satoru was always at odds due to his lack of care for the masses, but he has grown since then thanks to Suguru. Those ideals and that care for others is still a part of him, much like this growing disdain. ]
But you know that. Doesn't that speak a lot for yourself?
[ That he isn't too far gone yet? That he isn't near despicable as he thinks he is? Even if Satoru would absolve him because life sometimes is a gamble of where you end up, he tries to see past his bias.
Affection week calls for him to rub the side of Suguru's pointer finger as they hold hands, slowly interlacing. This really could have been fisticuffs (emotional). ]
You don't need to be a sorcerer anymore, either.
no subject
Their fingers interlace, and he looks down at their hands. He just feels... so sad. ]
I don't only want to save myself.
[ Saving people... He really does think he's some special guy out there who was born to save people. (These are my thoughts.) ]
I'm a Special Grade too, who would they send on my missions? I don't want you, or Nanami, or any other sorcerer to be used at weapons until you break. It'd be selfish to just leave.
no subject
Satoru squints at him, mildly annoyed, but also comforted. He can feel the sorrow emanating from Suguru's person, so he gently tries to lay everything out one at a time. ]
Plenty of people leave and sometimes they come back. There are a bunch of options here—to name some, taking less missions for a short time or doing research instead. We can't just keep going about exorcising curses all the time without a solution to the problem, right? Eventually it's going to wipe us and all of Japan out. We can look for a cure.
The society is never out of money, so they can hire independent sorcerers to fill in your spot until you figure it out.
As for Nanami and I, we'll be fine... Just have to reassess mission info to be thorough so what happened to Haibara doesn't repeat.
[ Even though he has a feeling that Nanami will burn out, too, and take a step away from Jujutsu... That isn't a concern. He can keep running the marathon as long as there's a goal, as long as there's something to reach.
A pause. ]
You can't save others if you can't save yourself.
no subject
But he doesn't think that the depressed voice in his head wants what's best for him. Satoru does though.
Satoru cares, wants to understand, and thinks things should change.
He pulls one hand free so that he can rub his eyes. His eyes are dry of tears, but he still feels warm with emotion, relief and gratitude heavy and immeasurable in words. ]
When did you become so understanding of others?
[ Said without heat. His other hand holds on tight to Satoru's. ]
no subject
Quietly, he watches Suguru's form, studying every nuanced shift even though his eyes can't tell him beyond human perception like it used to. It's enough to see Suguru still be torn and conflicted, enough to see there's still a light inside of him that warmly flickers for those around him, even if small. Satoru supposes if he needs to repeat and reassure multiple times, regardless of the time and the costs, it would be worth it.
When the vulnerable displays manifest, he turns away instantly, giving Suguru some privacy, but not letting go of this new hand that's being given to him. It's held just as tight as he considers if he should say anything. Everything else had been easy to say, it was all to help Suguru, but this... ]
It's because of you.
[ Grumbled as he rubs his nose, still keeping his gaze at absolutely nothing. Maybe a family photo of an animal crossing villager. For now, he can put his teenage ego down for a truth. It's a reminder that Suguru has imparted good on people and the world before. This is one, isn't it?
Satoru started looking beyond and below of his summit because of him. ]
no subject
It warms him anyway, even if he thinks that Satoru should give himself more credit. ]
Thanks for trying to understand.
[ For not leaving him behind when he started falling behind.
He means to take Satoru's other hand again, but instead his fingers brush over his cheek, just under his eyes. Satoru looks tired. ]
I hope I can return the favour, eventually.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)