[ He doesn't think he's ever heard Satoru state he isn't the strongest. Satoru's confidence is as integral to who he is as his Six Eyes, and brilliant hair. His weird gangly limbs, and inability to stop growing taller.
He was the strongest, he believed he was the strongest, and he wanted to be the strongest, and so Suguru couldn't remain at his side any longer. He couldn't keep up because there was no breath in his lungs to run the marathon of shamanism.
So yeah, he does feel alone, but some callous part of him didn't expect Satoru to care.
Or at the very least, he hadn't expected Satoru to want to understand him.
Softly, ] That's not your fault, Satoru.
[ He feels so hopeless, and he can't imagine going back to Tokyo and continuing on the path of a sorcerer without being ground down into nothing. But he doesn't want Satoru here with him—it's so stupid complicated, wanting his best friend to relate to how he feels, while at the same time wanting to spare him the loneliness and despair.
With the pillow gone, it's easy for him to take Satoru's hands in his own. ]
... I don't want you to hate me. That's why I don't want to talk to you. [ Because Satoru and Shoko are his family. And if they drift further apart than they already are then... ] I'm scared of something happening to us too.
[ Despite his short delivery full of candor and annoyance, the gravitas is technically there. The rattling stops, but he keeps holding Suguru's hand. These words come easy to him with full confidence, spilling naturally like a waterfall. He doesn't know that his feelings for Suguru will not change in the next ten years, but he's resolute with nothing else except trust in himself, anyway.
His expression matches his emotions, unyielding and obstinate. ]
I would never hate you.
[ First reason why Suguru is an idiot, a bonafide dumbass. There are other points, but he will let this one sink in first. He has learned pacing is important. ]
... I don't think killing civilians and feeling absolutely nothing about it is a good thing.
[ To be clear. Satoru was always at odds due to his lack of care for the masses, but he has grown since then thanks to Suguru. Those ideals and that care for others is still a part of him, much like this growing disdain. ]
But you know that. Doesn't that speak a lot for yourself?
[ That he isn't too far gone yet? That he isn't near despicable as he thinks he is? Even if Satoru would absolve him because life sometimes is a gamble of where you end up, he tries to see past his bias.
Affection week calls for him to rub the side of Suguru's pointer finger as they hold hands, slowly interlacing. This really could have been fisticuffs (emotional). ]
Their fingers interlace, and he looks down at their hands. He just feels... so sad. ]
I don't only want to save myself.
[ Saving people... He really does think he's some special guy out there who was born to save people. (These are my thoughts.) ]
I'm a Special Grade too, who would they send on my missions? I don't want you, or Nanami, or any other sorcerer to be used at weapons until you break. It'd be selfish to just leave.
[ When you try to give a guy a break and his noble soul becomes anxious despite earlier feeling apathy to killing civilians... Jujutsu sorcerers seldom work out of altruism. There's always self-interest involved whether it be politics or money, but a few do step up.
Satoru squints at him, mildly annoyed, but also comforted. He can feel the sorrow emanating from Suguru's person, so he gently tries to lay everything out one at a time. ]
Plenty of people leave and sometimes they come back. There are a bunch of options here—to name some, taking less missions for a short time or doing research instead. We can't just keep going about exorcising curses all the time without a solution to the problem, right? Eventually it's going to wipe us and all of Japan out. We can look for a cure.
The society is never out of money, so they can hire independent sorcerers to fill in your spot until you figure it out.
As for Nanami and I, we'll be fine... Just have to reassess mission info to be thorough so what happened to Haibara doesn't repeat.
[ Even though he has a feeling that Nanami will burn out, too, and take a step away from Jujutsu... That isn't a concern. He can keep running the marathon as long as there's a goal, as long as there's something to reach.
[ He's quiet. Satoru isn't saying anything that he disagrees with. He's making a lot of sense. It's just that there's some inherent in him that doesn't believe it's possible. He can't quite believe that things will get better... that he'll get better.
But he doesn't think that the depressed voice in his head wants what's best for him. Satoru does though.
Satoru cares, wants to understand, and thinks things should change.
He pulls one hand free so that he can rub his eyes. His eyes are dry of tears, but he still feels warm with emotion, relief and gratitude heavy and immeasurable in words. ]
When did you become so understanding of others?
[ Said without heat. His other hand holds on tight to Satoru's. ]
[ Satoru normally has enough confidence to be able to do anything, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships... He isn't sure. He isn't sure if what he's saying is going through to him, unsure if it's something he should force or give space, and what steps would need to be made to have this cement.
Quietly, he watches Suguru's form, studying every nuanced shift even though his eyes can't tell him beyond human perception like it used to. It's enough to see Suguru still be torn and conflicted, enough to see there's still a light inside of him that warmly flickers for those around him, even if small. Satoru supposes if he needs to repeat and reassure multiple times, regardless of the time and the costs, it would be worth it.
When the vulnerable displays manifest, he turns away instantly, giving Suguru some privacy, but not letting go of this new hand that's being given to him. It's held just as tight as he considers if he should say anything. Everything else had been easy to say, it was all to help Suguru, but this... ]
It's because of you.
[ Grumbled as he rubs his nose, still keeping his gaze at absolutely nothing. Maybe a family photo of an animal crossing villager. For now, he can put his teenage ego down for a truth. It's a reminder that Suguru has imparted good on people and the world before. This is one, isn't it?
Satoru started looking beyond and below of his summit because of him. ]
[ The fact that Satoru is admitting that his nagging might have actually yielded results might be the most surprising part of this conversation, considering it's something they used to get into fights over all the time.
It warms him anyway, even if he thinks that Satoru should give himself more credit. ]
Thanks for trying to understand.
[ For not leaving him behind when he started falling behind.
He means to take Satoru's other hand again, but instead his fingers brush over his cheek, just under his eyes. Satoru looks tired. ]
[ He will lean against him, still holding his hand, and they can just chill until they head to the barn because Satoru is like YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HELP therapy animals. ]
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He was the strongest, he believed he was the strongest, and he wanted to be the strongest, and so Suguru couldn't remain at his side any longer. He couldn't keep up because there was no breath in his lungs to run the marathon of shamanism.
So yeah, he does feel alone, but some callous part of him didn't expect Satoru to care.
Or at the very least, he hadn't expected Satoru to want to understand him.
Softly, ] That's not your fault, Satoru.
[ He feels so hopeless, and he can't imagine going back to Tokyo and continuing on the path of a sorcerer without being ground down into nothing. But he doesn't want Satoru here with him—it's so stupid complicated, wanting his best friend to relate to how he feels, while at the same time wanting to spare him the loneliness and despair.
With the pillow gone, it's easy for him to take Satoru's hands in his own. ]
... I don't want you to hate me. That's why I don't want to talk to you. [ Because Satoru and Shoko are his family. And if they drift further apart than they already are then... ] I'm scared of something happening to us too.
So I'm just pretending that nothing is.
[ At least while they're here, he can pretend. ]
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You're an idiot.
[ While holding his hand because he's spoiled. This is his. ]
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instinctively, ] Shut up.
[ Ugh. ]
You should hate me. Killing civilians and not caring about it isn't normal.
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The grip on his hand tightens, then he rattles him violently. ]
Actually, I take it back. You're a dumbass.
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He's annoyed again. ]
Satoru. I'm being serious. If we were in Japan, I'd have a death sentence on my head.
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[ Despite his short delivery full of candor and annoyance, the gravitas is technically there. The rattling stops, but he keeps holding Suguru's hand. These words come easy to him with full confidence, spilling naturally like a waterfall. He doesn't know that his feelings for Suguru will not change in the next ten years, but he's resolute with nothing else except trust in himself, anyway.
His expression matches his emotions, unyielding and obstinate. ]
I would never hate you.
[ First reason why Suguru is an idiot, a bonafide dumbass. There are other points, but he will let this one sink in first. He has learned pacing is important. ]
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He's knows that Satoru never cared as much about being a hero as him, but he's not callous enough to find civilian deaths acceptable.
He can't escape, Satoru is holding onto his hands too tight, but he doesn't say anything, lost in his disbelief. ]
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[ To be clear. Satoru was always at odds due to his lack of care for the masses, but he has grown since then thanks to Suguru. Those ideals and that care for others is still a part of him, much like this growing disdain. ]
But you know that. Doesn't that speak a lot for yourself?
[ That he isn't too far gone yet? That he isn't near despicable as he thinks he is? Even if Satoru would absolve him because life sometimes is a gamble of where you end up, he tries to see past his bias.
Affection week calls for him to rub the side of Suguru's pointer finger as they hold hands, slowly interlacing. This really could have been fisticuffs (emotional). ]
You don't need to be a sorcerer anymore, either.
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Their fingers interlace, and he looks down at their hands. He just feels... so sad. ]
I don't only want to save myself.
[ Saving people... He really does think he's some special guy out there who was born to save people. (These are my thoughts.) ]
I'm a Special Grade too, who would they send on my missions? I don't want you, or Nanami, or any other sorcerer to be used at weapons until you break. It'd be selfish to just leave.
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Satoru squints at him, mildly annoyed, but also comforted. He can feel the sorrow emanating from Suguru's person, so he gently tries to lay everything out one at a time. ]
Plenty of people leave and sometimes they come back. There are a bunch of options here—to name some, taking less missions for a short time or doing research instead. We can't just keep going about exorcising curses all the time without a solution to the problem, right? Eventually it's going to wipe us and all of Japan out. We can look for a cure.
The society is never out of money, so they can hire independent sorcerers to fill in your spot until you figure it out.
As for Nanami and I, we'll be fine... Just have to reassess mission info to be thorough so what happened to Haibara doesn't repeat.
[ Even though he has a feeling that Nanami will burn out, too, and take a step away from Jujutsu... That isn't a concern. He can keep running the marathon as long as there's a goal, as long as there's something to reach.
A pause. ]
You can't save others if you can't save yourself.
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But he doesn't think that the depressed voice in his head wants what's best for him. Satoru does though.
Satoru cares, wants to understand, and thinks things should change.
He pulls one hand free so that he can rub his eyes. His eyes are dry of tears, but he still feels warm with emotion, relief and gratitude heavy and immeasurable in words. ]
When did you become so understanding of others?
[ Said without heat. His other hand holds on tight to Satoru's. ]
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Quietly, he watches Suguru's form, studying every nuanced shift even though his eyes can't tell him beyond human perception like it used to. It's enough to see Suguru still be torn and conflicted, enough to see there's still a light inside of him that warmly flickers for those around him, even if small. Satoru supposes if he needs to repeat and reassure multiple times, regardless of the time and the costs, it would be worth it.
When the vulnerable displays manifest, he turns away instantly, giving Suguru some privacy, but not letting go of this new hand that's being given to him. It's held just as tight as he considers if he should say anything. Everything else had been easy to say, it was all to help Suguru, but this... ]
It's because of you.
[ Grumbled as he rubs his nose, still keeping his gaze at absolutely nothing. Maybe a family photo of an animal crossing villager. For now, he can put his teenage ego down for a truth. It's a reminder that Suguru has imparted good on people and the world before. This is one, isn't it?
Satoru started looking beyond and below of his summit because of him. ]
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It warms him anyway, even if he thinks that Satoru should give himself more credit. ]
Thanks for trying to understand.
[ For not leaving him behind when he started falling behind.
He means to take Satoru's other hand again, but instead his fingers brush over his cheek, just under his eyes. Satoru looks tired. ]
I hope I can return the favour, eventually.
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He feels the touch to his cheek, then turns slightly to face him. Is this how cats are handled... ]
Mm... I said I would talk to you about stuff, too, but later.
[ so much has happened and will happen. The priority is the now and he also hopes Suguru understands there isn't reluctance like there was before. ]
You can return the favor by spilling.
[ Again, he doesn't and won't hate you. ]
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But his hand drops, and he kind of slumps against the couch, head resting against the backrest, closing his eyes. ]
Can we talk more in a bit? I'm kind of tired. I won't spiral anymore tonight, I promise.
[ THEY HAVE JUST WORKED THROUGH A LOT ]
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Fine.
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Thanks.
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