When I was speaking with Scien about Karlach, he said that she just... needed to rest. I-it sounded as if he believed she would, over there, and I've always trusted his judgment...
He said that he... wouldn't be disappointed in me, if I chose not to continue.
[...]
But it's very clear that it would only... hurt others, if I did, so even if I don't want this, I can't...
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When he sees Mathis, he'll head over. ]
Want some tea?
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[it's difficult to practice self care on the weekends.]
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[ He smiles, though he doubts Mathis will find his explanation any more compelling.
He'll settle on one of the tables in the tea garden, and tea... will magically be served! ]
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[he mostly just holds the teacup in his hands, though, gazing down into it.]
... I don't know whether I can relax knowing there's still another week coming.
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Because there's nothing else you can do.
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[there's some guilt in his emotions, there, a little resignation.]
I wasn't... intending to be here for it.
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What do you mean?
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[sometimes you start thinking about how 5 people being left means watching basically everyone around you die and you realize that actually, fuck this?
and then everyone tells you you're not allowed.]
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Mathis, were you going to kill yourself?
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[more guilt and self-consciousness in return.]
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[the horror at that is so immediate.]
...to be honest, I didn't... know what to do.
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I get that it's hard. But I don't know how much easier it'll be on that side.
You're still separated from someone. You're still watching people get hurt.
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He said that he... wouldn't be disappointed in me, if I chose not to continue.
[...]
But it's very clear that it would only... hurt others, if I did, so even if I don't want this, I can't...
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... In the letters, everyone does seem cheerful. I don't know if it's just because they're putting on a brave face, but maybe not.
So maybe I'm wrong... I just don't know if I trust it. It feels like dying makes escape more complicated, and our chances are already low.
But don't torture yourself to spare others.
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I just don't know if there are any good options. Why do you think it'd be better over there?
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[he misses them. he's so tired.]
But after some of the things Lavi said, I can't... I can't go.