[ I did bring that here but it doesn't seem like Satoru notices at all. He's too busy envisioning a future where he finds the perfect victim to remedy the boredom found in the time between ritual happenings. ]
Otherwise, I'd just use my ability on you. Imagine constantly thinking about that one time you slipped off of one of your curses and broke your butt.
You were complaining about it being sore the whole day!
[ He's LAUGHING, kicking back under the table, and then... he isn't laughing. This is not a haha moment and he isn't haunted by tighty-whities like Suguru wants.
If he even wanted to be discreet, it's too late. His eyes have been pinned to that phrase for more than two seconds. It's too obvious now. ]
[ He follows Satoru's gaze even before he speaks, and it's kind of hard to make out the words, with the proximity and the fact that they're upside down for him, but once he does—
His blood goes cold, heart dropping into his stomach, mind suddenly stuck. One of his hands whips up to cover the words, but they project through, inky black on the back of his palm.
It's not even true. It's...
And he needs to give Satoru an explanation before he misunderstands, but the words get stuck. ]
[ Unfortunately or fortunately for Suguru, Satoru will speak first with a verbal assault. Did he want a moment to breathe and think? No. ]
What did I say about bottling stuff up?
[ Even though he can see the palpable tension blanketing Suguru's body, he kicks him twice under the table like it's a usual day for them. It is, it should be. Propping his elbow on the table, he rests his head on the palm of his hand, making quite a face. If Suguru is expecting shock, disappointment, or disapproval from him, then he won't find any shade of that despite the furrowed brow and deep frown.
[ Satoru doesn't look surprised, and that only makes him feel worse. Because that means he already knew, and the thought of that sets an itch under his skin. That he'd been going around, trying to pretend like nothing had changed, and Satoru was only humouring him. Why hadn't he said anything?
He wants to get mad, irritated that he'd been made an idiot, but...
What he feels isn't relief, exactly, but the fight goes out of him, leaving only exhaustion behind. ]
Speak for yourself. [ There's no anger or aggression in his tone, just a tired sort of regret. ] Satoru, you can't even sleep without Infinity on anymore.
[ In theory, which he doesn't add on, because he wouldn't need to keep the cursed technique going at all times, along with reverse cursed technique to heal his brain as it does that. Other thing aside from his learned paranoia haunt him instead, but this isn't about his lack of sleep.
Closing his eyes, he's met by darkness, a reminder of their circumstances here and the nature of this distance. It had been there, niggling in the back of his mind, he never forgot, but how it would be addressed or approached he hadn't decided. While unplanned, this might as well be the opening. Fidgety, he hang his head while his foot rapidly taps. ]
[ He absolutely doesn't want to talk about it. In fact, despite being kind of upset that Satoru hadn't told him upfront that he'd known from the start, he wishes they could go back to pretending that it had never come up.
Because Satoru only thinks that he knows how Suguru feels. There's no way he knows the depths of his rotten feelings, because if he did then he would never say that it's okay. ]
You already knew.
[ He leans back, rubbing his knuckles into his eyes. ]
[ It wasn't about Suguru's growing hatred for non-sorcerers. They are all full of complicated emotions, different motives and vested interests to stay in Jujutsu society. Most of them are not noble... Suguru is one of the few who hold onto ideologies. Satoru stands by that he was mad because Suguru left. Simple.
Multiple times, he had absolved him. Here, it's no different.
The foot tapping slows down as he lifts his gaze, watching him. He points at him, specifically at those words, with his other hand. ]
[ He doesn't look convinced. That can't be the full reason for Satoru's anger, and he's just bracing himself for the truth to come out, whatever it is.
And if he tells him, and Satoru's answer is to call him an idiot, or insane, or weak, he's not sure that he'll recover from that.
But it's not like there's any avoiding it now. ]
The first day, I asked if you were upset about Haibara, and you said, "there's nothing you could've done about that". [ He drops his hand from where it's covering the words on his chest, loosely lacing his fingers together, gaze on his hands. ] And I thought, "there is".
[ Overthinking again where Satoru can't interject or correct him. How can they understand each other so well yet also not at all?
He does want to call Suguru an idiot when he hoists responsibility onto his shoulders, as if speaking of what could have been done can change the past. His gaze shifts to Suguru's joined hands before flickering back to take in his whole form—it would be hypocritical, wouldn't it?
The foot tapping comes to a complete stop. Fine. ]
Told him to prioritize his life over the mission. That being a jujutsu sorcerer is hard, and it's okay to quit when it gets difficult.
[ Though Haibara had always been upbeat. He doesn't think that he felt the weight the same way that Suguru did. And maybe he did try to run when they realized they were outmatched, and that he did prioritize his life over those that the curse was terrorizing.
He hadn't asked Nanami. ]
Maybe there was no helping him. [ His lips twist briefly into a frown, frustrated. ] But what about the sorcerers after him? What about you and me, Satoru? How long are we going to keep throwing ourselves at curses, waiting for the mission that kills us?
[ He looks back up, catching Satoru's gaze briefly before looking away again. ]
Non-sorcerers don't care about us. Why should we die because of them?
In the end, all those things depended on Haibara, Nanami, and that grade one curse they had to deal with because of wrong intel.
[ It played out how it did. He remembers Haibara—how laidback and carefree he was, bright and ready to get out there. Again, he's drawn to remembering his underclassman's cremation. Grieving, mourning, it was a short period and one he paid shorter. It could have been avoided, but...
They can only move forward with lesson having learned. Suguru is right to move his focus to the present, to the future. ]
That won't be a problem as long as everyone gets stronger. [ Not just them two, not just him, but everyone. That is an easy question, with a seemingly easy answer, but the next one...
It cements how things have changed. It illuminates the indescribable distance. He ruffles his own hair, also frustrated. ] Man, you used to fight me over protecting the weak... When has them caring ever mattered to you?
[ He hears "as long as everyone gets stronger" and screws his eyes shut, resisting the urge to rub a hand over his face in frustration. He doesn't know if it's... Satoru's way of coping (it'll all be okay if I get stronger), but it grates on his nerves.
Like it's so easy. Like most sorcerers can even step foot on the mountain where Satoru stands at the peak.
But Satoru throws a question back at him, and he opens his eyes again, still staring at the table. ]
I... [ Sorcerers exist to protect the weak. It hurts his pride more than his morals to go back on his own words. ] Because this can't be it.
[ Maybe it had mattered less whether non-sorcerers cared about their lives when it felt like someone cared. His schoolmates, his teachers, jujutsu society. Now he's not sure anyone does. They do what they're told, and that's all that matters. ]
I can't exist to just exorcise curses over and over, and then die, and have it not matter at all.
[ There is no clear path out of their troubles. As they are, they're stuck in this cycle: exorcise, eat, sleep with the strongest carrying the rest on their back. He knows the system they currently have is unsustainable... Jujutsu society cannot upkeep with the number of curses born from the everyday man.
Getting stronger is the easiest answer. If they reached the same summit as him, or even reach the base of the mountain, then it would make all of their lives easier. It doesn't change the long-term problem, he's aware. That needs more planning and he has an inkling about where he'll tread.
Satoru lifts his head, sitting up straight along the backrest now instead. He never had a chance to see Suguru this defeated and he feels a twinge in his chest. ]
... It does matter.
[ Suguru told him plenty of times, but it only unfurled for him when he did reach the peak. The missions don't stop... They keep coming and the deaths as well. However, Japan stands as it is with non-sorcerers not knowing of their sacrifice. It doesn't stir resentment—he frankly doesn't like people—but it is the small things like the crepe stand they buy from, the aquariums to spy on people going on dates, and yearly beach episodes.
As much as it's for non-sorcerers, it's also for them. ]
With all that we've experienced and learned, we can change the future.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Pixie.
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he lifts a fist to his mouth to laugh. ]
It suits you.
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SHUT UP BEFORE I FLICK BEANS AT YOU!!
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ok he simmers down into snickers ]
Don't waste food. [ even if it is crap ] What's the power it gave you?
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Plant an intrusive thought into someone for two days or something.
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Okay... I can give someone a strange or bad dream. Yours seems more useful.
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... But if we combined them we could create the worst day in someone's life.
[ There is a little inked word surfacing from his uniform, "weakness." ]
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His gaze will drop to it, just briefly, stomach twisting before he looks away. ]
You have someone you want to torture already?
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No, but I'm sure I'll find someone.
[ I did bring that here but it doesn't seem like Satoru notices at all. He's too busy envisioning a future where he finds the perfect victim to remedy the boredom found in the time between ritual happenings. ]
Otherwise, I'd just use my ability on you. Imagine constantly thinking about that one time you slipped off of one of your curses and broke your butt.
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I didn't break my butt.
[ I'll also bring in angst, because the words YOU HATE HUMANS starts to show up across the right side of his chest. ]
And I'll know its you, and you're going to end up having a dream where you're trapped underwear shopping with Yaga-sensei for eternity.
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[ He's LAUGHING, kicking back under the table, and then... he isn't laughing. This is not a haha moment and he isn't haunted by tighty-whities like Suguru wants.
If he even wanted to be discreet, it's too late. His eyes have been pinned to that phrase for more than two seconds. It's too obvious now. ]
... Hey.
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[ He follows Satoru's gaze even before he speaks, and it's kind of hard to make out the words, with the proximity and the fact that they're upside down for him, but once he does—
His blood goes cold, heart dropping into his stomach, mind suddenly stuck. One of his hands whips up to cover the words, but they project through, inky black on the back of his palm.
It's not even true. It's...
And he needs to give Satoru an explanation before he misunderstands, but the words get stuck. ]
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What did I say about bottling stuff up?
[ Even though he can see the palpable tension blanketing Suguru's body, he kicks him twice under the table like it's a usual day for them. It is, it should be. Propping his elbow on the table, he rests his head on the palm of his hand, making quite a face. If Suguru is expecting shock, disappointment, or disapproval from him, then he won't find any shade of that despite the furrowed brow and deep frown.
There's just complicated frustration. ]
... It's okay.
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He wants to get mad, irritated that he'd been made an idiot, but...
What he feels isn't relief, exactly, but the fight goes out of him, leaving only exhaustion behind. ]
Speak for yourself. [ There's no anger or aggression in his tone, just a tired sort of regret. ] Satoru, you can't even sleep without Infinity on anymore.
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I can sleep better without it.
[ In theory, which he doesn't add on, because he wouldn't need to keep the cursed technique going at all times, along with reverse cursed technique to heal his brain as it does that. Other thing aside from his learned paranoia haunt him instead, but this isn't about his lack of sleep.
Closing his eyes, he's met by darkness, a reminder of their circumstances here and the nature of this distance. It had been there, niggling in the back of his mind, he never forgot, but how it would be addressed or approached he hadn't decided. While unplanned, this might as well be the opening. Fidgety, he hang his head while his foot rapidly taps. ]
You gonna talk about it or what?
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Because Satoru only thinks that he knows how Suguru feels. There's no way he knows the depths of his rotten feelings, because if he did then he would never say that it's okay. ]
You already knew.
[ He leans back, rubbing his knuckles into his eyes. ]
It's why you were mad when we first got here.
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[ It wasn't about Suguru's growing hatred for non-sorcerers. They are all full of complicated emotions, different motives and vested interests to stay in Jujutsu society. Most of them are not noble... Suguru is one of the few who hold onto ideologies. Satoru stands by that he was mad because Suguru left. Simple.
Multiple times, he had absolved him. Here, it's no different.
The foot tapping slows down as he lifts his gaze, watching him. He points at him, specifically at those words, with his other hand. ]
Tell me how you got there.
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And if he tells him, and Satoru's answer is to call him an idiot, or insane, or weak, he's not sure that he'll recover from that.
But it's not like there's any avoiding it now. ]
The first day, I asked if you were upset about Haibara, and you said, "there's nothing you could've done about that". [ He drops his hand from where it's covering the words on his chest, loosely lacing his fingers together, gaze on his hands. ] And I thought, "there is".
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He does want to call Suguru an idiot when he hoists responsibility onto his shoulders, as if speaking of what could have been done can change the past. His gaze shifts to Suguru's joined hands before flickering back to take in his whole form—it would be hypocritical, wouldn't it?
The foot tapping comes to a complete stop. Fine. ]
What could you have done?
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[ Though Haibara had always been upbeat. He doesn't think that he felt the weight the same way that Suguru did. And maybe he did try to run when they realized they were outmatched, and that he did prioritize his life over those that the curse was terrorizing.
He hadn't asked Nanami. ]
Maybe there was no helping him. [ His lips twist briefly into a frown, frustrated. ] But what about the sorcerers after him? What about you and me, Satoru? How long are we going to keep throwing ourselves at curses, waiting for the mission that kills us?
[ He looks back up, catching Satoru's gaze briefly before looking away again. ]
Non-sorcerers don't care about us. Why should we die because of them?
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[ It played out how it did. He remembers Haibara—how laidback and carefree he was, bright and ready to get out there. Again, he's drawn to remembering his underclassman's cremation. Grieving, mourning, it was a short period and one he paid shorter. It could have been avoided, but...
They can only move forward with lesson having learned. Suguru is right to move his focus to the present, to the future. ]
That won't be a problem as long as everyone gets stronger. [ Not just them two, not just him, but everyone. That is an easy question, with a seemingly easy answer, but the next one...
It cements how things have changed. It illuminates the indescribable distance. He ruffles his own hair, also frustrated. ] Man, you used to fight me over protecting the weak... When has them caring ever mattered to you?
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Like it's so easy. Like most sorcerers can even step foot on the mountain where Satoru stands at the peak.
But Satoru throws a question back at him, and he opens his eyes again, still staring at the table. ]
I... [ Sorcerers exist to protect the weak. It hurts his pride more than his morals to go back on his own words. ] Because this can't be it.
[ Maybe it had mattered less whether non-sorcerers cared about their lives when it felt like someone cared. His schoolmates, his teachers, jujutsu society. Now he's not sure anyone does. They do what they're told, and that's all that matters. ]
I can't exist to just exorcise curses over and over, and then die, and have it not matter at all.
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Getting stronger is the easiest answer. If they reached the same summit as him, or even reach the base of the mountain, then it would make all of their lives easier. It doesn't change the long-term problem, he's aware. That needs more planning and he has an inkling about where he'll tread.
Satoru lifts his head, sitting up straight along the backrest now instead. He never had a chance to see Suguru this defeated and he feels a twinge in his chest. ]
... It does matter.
[ Suguru told him plenty of times, but it only unfurled for him when he did reach the peak. The missions don't stop... They keep coming and the deaths as well. However, Japan stands as it is with non-sorcerers not knowing of their sacrifice. It doesn't stir resentment—he frankly doesn't like people—but it is the small things like the crepe stand they buy from, the aquariums to spy on people going on dates, and yearly beach episodes.
As much as it's for non-sorcerers, it's also for them. ]
With all that we've experienced and learned, we can change the future.
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