[ Unfortunately or fortunately for Suguru, Satoru will speak first with a verbal assault. Did he want a moment to breathe and think? No. ]
What did I say about bottling stuff up?
[ Even though he can see the palpable tension blanketing Suguru's body, he kicks him twice under the table like it's a usual day for them. It is, it should be. Propping his elbow on the table, he rests his head on the palm of his hand, making quite a face. If Suguru is expecting shock, disappointment, or disapproval from him, then he won't find any shade of that despite the furrowed brow and deep frown.
[ Satoru doesn't look surprised, and that only makes him feel worse. Because that means he already knew, and the thought of that sets an itch under his skin. That he'd been going around, trying to pretend like nothing had changed, and Satoru was only humouring him. Why hadn't he said anything?
He wants to get mad, irritated that he'd been made an idiot, but...
What he feels isn't relief, exactly, but the fight goes out of him, leaving only exhaustion behind. ]
Speak for yourself. [ There's no anger or aggression in his tone, just a tired sort of regret. ] Satoru, you can't even sleep without Infinity on anymore.
[ In theory, which he doesn't add on, because he wouldn't need to keep the cursed technique going at all times, along with reverse cursed technique to heal his brain as it does that. Other thing aside from his learned paranoia haunt him instead, but this isn't about his lack of sleep.
Closing his eyes, he's met by darkness, a reminder of their circumstances here and the nature of this distance. It had been there, niggling in the back of his mind, he never forgot, but how it would be addressed or approached he hadn't decided. While unplanned, this might as well be the opening. Fidgety, he hang his head while his foot rapidly taps. ]
[ He absolutely doesn't want to talk about it. In fact, despite being kind of upset that Satoru hadn't told him upfront that he'd known from the start, he wishes they could go back to pretending that it had never come up.
Because Satoru only thinks that he knows how Suguru feels. There's no way he knows the depths of his rotten feelings, because if he did then he would never say that it's okay. ]
You already knew.
[ He leans back, rubbing his knuckles into his eyes. ]
[ It wasn't about Suguru's growing hatred for non-sorcerers. They are all full of complicated emotions, different motives and vested interests to stay in Jujutsu society. Most of them are not noble... Suguru is one of the few who hold onto ideologies. Satoru stands by that he was mad because Suguru left. Simple.
Multiple times, he had absolved him. Here, it's no different.
The foot tapping slows down as he lifts his gaze, watching him. He points at him, specifically at those words, with his other hand. ]
[ He doesn't look convinced. That can't be the full reason for Satoru's anger, and he's just bracing himself for the truth to come out, whatever it is.
And if he tells him, and Satoru's answer is to call him an idiot, or insane, or weak, he's not sure that he'll recover from that.
But it's not like there's any avoiding it now. ]
The first day, I asked if you were upset about Haibara, and you said, "there's nothing you could've done about that". [ He drops his hand from where it's covering the words on his chest, loosely lacing his fingers together, gaze on his hands. ] And I thought, "there is".
[ Overthinking again where Satoru can't interject or correct him. How can they understand each other so well yet also not at all?
He does want to call Suguru an idiot when he hoists responsibility onto his shoulders, as if speaking of what could have been done can change the past. His gaze shifts to Suguru's joined hands before flickering back to take in his whole form—it would be hypocritical, wouldn't it?
The foot tapping comes to a complete stop. Fine. ]
Told him to prioritize his life over the mission. That being a jujutsu sorcerer is hard, and it's okay to quit when it gets difficult.
[ Though Haibara had always been upbeat. He doesn't think that he felt the weight the same way that Suguru did. And maybe he did try to run when they realized they were outmatched, and that he did prioritize his life over those that the curse was terrorizing.
He hadn't asked Nanami. ]
Maybe there was no helping him. [ His lips twist briefly into a frown, frustrated. ] But what about the sorcerers after him? What about you and me, Satoru? How long are we going to keep throwing ourselves at curses, waiting for the mission that kills us?
[ He looks back up, catching Satoru's gaze briefly before looking away again. ]
Non-sorcerers don't care about us. Why should we die because of them?
In the end, all those things depended on Haibara, Nanami, and that grade one curse they had to deal with because of wrong intel.
[ It played out how it did. He remembers Haibara—how laidback and carefree he was, bright and ready to get out there. Again, he's drawn to remembering his underclassman's cremation. Grieving, mourning, it was a short period and one he paid shorter. It could have been avoided, but...
They can only move forward with lesson having learned. Suguru is right to move his focus to the present, to the future. ]
That won't be a problem as long as everyone gets stronger. [ Not just them two, not just him, but everyone. That is an easy question, with a seemingly easy answer, but the next one...
It cements how things have changed. It illuminates the indescribable distance. He ruffles his own hair, also frustrated. ] Man, you used to fight me over protecting the weak... When has them caring ever mattered to you?
[ He hears "as long as everyone gets stronger" and screws his eyes shut, resisting the urge to rub a hand over his face in frustration. He doesn't know if it's... Satoru's way of coping (it'll all be okay if I get stronger), but it grates on his nerves.
Like it's so easy. Like most sorcerers can even step foot on the mountain where Satoru stands at the peak.
But Satoru throws a question back at him, and he opens his eyes again, still staring at the table. ]
I... [ Sorcerers exist to protect the weak. It hurts his pride more than his morals to go back on his own words. ] Because this can't be it.
[ Maybe it had mattered less whether non-sorcerers cared about their lives when it felt like someone cared. His schoolmates, his teachers, jujutsu society. Now he's not sure anyone does. They do what they're told, and that's all that matters. ]
I can't exist to just exorcise curses over and over, and then die, and have it not matter at all.
[ There is no clear path out of their troubles. As they are, they're stuck in this cycle: exorcise, eat, sleep with the strongest carrying the rest on their back. He knows the system they currently have is unsustainable... Jujutsu society cannot upkeep with the number of curses born from the everyday man.
Getting stronger is the easiest answer. If they reached the same summit as him, or even reach the base of the mountain, then it would make all of their lives easier. It doesn't change the long-term problem, he's aware. That needs more planning and he has an inkling about where he'll tread.
Satoru lifts his head, sitting up straight along the backrest now instead. He never had a chance to see Suguru this defeated and he feels a twinge in his chest. ]
... It does matter.
[ Suguru told him plenty of times, but it only unfurled for him when he did reach the peak. The missions don't stop... They keep coming and the deaths as well. However, Japan stands as it is with non-sorcerers not knowing of their sacrifice. It doesn't stir resentment—he frankly doesn't like people—but it is the small things like the crepe stand they buy from, the aquariums to spy on people going on dates, and yearly beach episodes.
As much as it's for non-sorcerers, it's also for them. ]
With all that we've experienced and learned, we can change the future.
[ He's never heard Satoru talk about the future, change, or ambition. It had always felt like a waste, without the amount of power and influence that he wielded, but at the same time... He thought it was okay too, for him to enjoy his freedom and high school years as he pleased. He didn't have to always carry the weight of jujutsu society on his shoulders.
But maybe he could at least share that burden with Satoru, if it was something he wanted to pursue. And maybe they could change the future.
He feels like he should feel hope, or relief, or something, but there's nothing.
He only feels tired. ]
Can we?
[ Keep exorcising, keep swallowing curses. Is there a future where he no longer needs to do that? ]
How are we supposed to keep up with all the curses and change things at the same time? We're never going to be able to help ourselves, if we're too busy helping them.
[ Satoru for all of his life had his destiny and fate laid out for him since birth, so thinking beyond that would have been a waste of effort. Yet, in spite of that, here he is... Influence and power wait for him in the future in contrast to the helplessness he felt. At the summit, the peak, he is incapable of changing all below.
His hands rest on his lap, away from view, eyes downcast at the flutter of his eyelashes. ]
I don't have immediate plans, but I know we would figure it out. You're already thinking about research. [ They can juggle. They already do. They can make some small changes first to make it easier, as long as they have support, as long as they have each other. ] ... Don't you believe in us?
[ "LONELINESS" appears somewhere on his uniform. ]
[ He doesn't believe in them. Why should he? They couldn't even protect one teenage girl while their opponent didn't even have any cursed energy.
Except that was then, and Satoru is stronger now. Satoru is only going to get stronger, and if he wanted to change things, then Suguru is sure that he could. He could do whatever he wanted, really, cradling jujutsu society in the palm of his hand, and shaping it however he pleases.
But... this isn't Satoru's problem. They're supposed to be equals, but he's just going to become another weight for Satoru to carry. ]
I... [ The white of the ink over Satoru's uniform catches his eye, stopping his words and thoughts short, a sudden twinge in his chest.
Satoru's hands aren't on the table anymore, so he tries to get his gaze instead. ]
[ The scales truly tipped when he was born, but sudden revolution isn't what he wants. What he has in mind is long-term, ultimately a collaboration between their lifestyles and ideologies. It would be easier to have them both lest time stretches because there's only one half. Whether Suguru wants to carry the weight with him or be the weight himself is for him to decide.
The break in somber conversation has him tilt his head first, then snort into a laugh. ]
What's up with you blurting that all of the sudden? [ He does lift his head, eyes bright like the smile he flashes. ] You'll always be my best friend.
[ That will never change no matter what twists and turns wait for them, whether they ascend to godhood or spiral into the depths of hell. It's this bond alone that taught him what loneliness is and it's why it shows as white ink on his uniform.
By the way, he kicks him under the table. Lightly, not gently. ]
[ He doesn't want Satoru to feel lonely, that's all. He's the closest, dearest friend that he's ever had, and even if he's not sure if that's enough to keep him from slipping, it's one of the only things that drives him to stay on the path of a sorcerer. ]
Take your own advice and don't bottle things up.
Even if I leave, it's not because I don't care about the school or you and Shoko. So...
... If you were to leave, there's meaning in that.
[ Said in the most tired and irritated tone possible. Satoru throws his head to the backrest and slumps down on his seat, not retaliating to the kick and wide spreading his legs under the table. ]
I'm not. [ Firmly, before he lets out a body's worth of a sigh. ] I just don't know what's the best way to do this and I don't want to screw it up.
[ To soften the edge, when he has always been one to sharpen it. ]
[ Looks at him, not entirely understanding what he means. He guesses that Satoru wants to avoid a repeat of whatever it is that he remembers and Suguru doesn't.
[ Satoru goes quiet, still slumped in his seat, no longer holding an appetite to finish his tasteless food. Suguru really is the biggest problem for him right now and it is costing him sleep. ]
Later. [ For once, he's going to think it over instead of jumping onto decisions, but he gives off the air that there's sincere intent. He'll come to him later...
For now, something immediate as he straightens up in his seat: ] How do I make you feel less strongly that?
[ Satoru really deserves better. This is why he should make more friends.
He blinks, looking down at his uniform where the words disappeared during their conversation. Talking about it again brings a queasy feeling to his stomach, shame and fear roiling at the bottom of his belly. ]
[ Suguru is more than he can ask for... Suguru needs more friends. They really are back to this and he can see those emotions painted vividly on his expression.
[ He looks surprised, like he hadn't expected Satoru to notice, even though he's doing literally nothing about it. But he had thought maybe Satoru's objections came from a place of morality, but... maybe not. ]
... I don't know.
[ Wow, he's really irredeemable. ]
Even being here and talking to people, I don't feel any differently.
[ Back at home, he already took notice that his friend was tired and losing weight, but chalked it up with the amount of missions they were taking. Often sorcerers neglect themselves due to the lack of time...
However, this is different. How is he not supposed to notice when Suguru's face twists over the topic? He kicks him again. ]
But it's not an intense feeling.
[ he's trying to understand the gauge here... where is Suguru's mind? ]
[ Stop kicking him? He doesn't retaliate, a little exhausted by this conversation. ]
Not right now. I mean... we have more important problems to deal with.
[ He still resents non-sorcerers, but it's more like a simmering flame. They're not his main issue at the moment, so he's largely apathetic to their existence. ]
[ Just being normal, but being on somewhat the same page... And they can circle back to this later. Suguru promised he'd help him, after all. He doesn't know what that looks like when Suguru is the problem itself, but.
It's something? It's also annoying to not have it fixed right away. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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What did I say about bottling stuff up?
[ Even though he can see the palpable tension blanketing Suguru's body, he kicks him twice under the table like it's a usual day for them. It is, it should be. Propping his elbow on the table, he rests his head on the palm of his hand, making quite a face. If Suguru is expecting shock, disappointment, or disapproval from him, then he won't find any shade of that despite the furrowed brow and deep frown.
There's just complicated frustration. ]
... It's okay.
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He wants to get mad, irritated that he'd been made an idiot, but...
What he feels isn't relief, exactly, but the fight goes out of him, leaving only exhaustion behind. ]
Speak for yourself. [ There's no anger or aggression in his tone, just a tired sort of regret. ] Satoru, you can't even sleep without Infinity on anymore.
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I can sleep better without it.
[ In theory, which he doesn't add on, because he wouldn't need to keep the cursed technique going at all times, along with reverse cursed technique to heal his brain as it does that. Other thing aside from his learned paranoia haunt him instead, but this isn't about his lack of sleep.
Closing his eyes, he's met by darkness, a reminder of their circumstances here and the nature of this distance. It had been there, niggling in the back of his mind, he never forgot, but how it would be addressed or approached he hadn't decided. While unplanned, this might as well be the opening. Fidgety, he hang his head while his foot rapidly taps. ]
You gonna talk about it or what?
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Because Satoru only thinks that he knows how Suguru feels. There's no way he knows the depths of his rotten feelings, because if he did then he would never say that it's okay. ]
You already knew.
[ He leans back, rubbing his knuckles into his eyes. ]
It's why you were mad when we first got here.
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[ It wasn't about Suguru's growing hatred for non-sorcerers. They are all full of complicated emotions, different motives and vested interests to stay in Jujutsu society. Most of them are not noble... Suguru is one of the few who hold onto ideologies. Satoru stands by that he was mad because Suguru left. Simple.
Multiple times, he had absolved him. Here, it's no different.
The foot tapping slows down as he lifts his gaze, watching him. He points at him, specifically at those words, with his other hand. ]
Tell me how you got there.
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And if he tells him, and Satoru's answer is to call him an idiot, or insane, or weak, he's not sure that he'll recover from that.
But it's not like there's any avoiding it now. ]
The first day, I asked if you were upset about Haibara, and you said, "there's nothing you could've done about that". [ He drops his hand from where it's covering the words on his chest, loosely lacing his fingers together, gaze on his hands. ] And I thought, "there is".
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He does want to call Suguru an idiot when he hoists responsibility onto his shoulders, as if speaking of what could have been done can change the past. His gaze shifts to Suguru's joined hands before flickering back to take in his whole form—it would be hypocritical, wouldn't it?
The foot tapping comes to a complete stop. Fine. ]
What could you have done?
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[ Though Haibara had always been upbeat. He doesn't think that he felt the weight the same way that Suguru did. And maybe he did try to run when they realized they were outmatched, and that he did prioritize his life over those that the curse was terrorizing.
He hadn't asked Nanami. ]
Maybe there was no helping him. [ His lips twist briefly into a frown, frustrated. ] But what about the sorcerers after him? What about you and me, Satoru? How long are we going to keep throwing ourselves at curses, waiting for the mission that kills us?
[ He looks back up, catching Satoru's gaze briefly before looking away again. ]
Non-sorcerers don't care about us. Why should we die because of them?
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[ It played out how it did. He remembers Haibara—how laidback and carefree he was, bright and ready to get out there. Again, he's drawn to remembering his underclassman's cremation. Grieving, mourning, it was a short period and one he paid shorter. It could have been avoided, but...
They can only move forward with lesson having learned. Suguru is right to move his focus to the present, to the future. ]
That won't be a problem as long as everyone gets stronger. [ Not just them two, not just him, but everyone. That is an easy question, with a seemingly easy answer, but the next one...
It cements how things have changed. It illuminates the indescribable distance. He ruffles his own hair, also frustrated. ] Man, you used to fight me over protecting the weak... When has them caring ever mattered to you?
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Like it's so easy. Like most sorcerers can even step foot on the mountain where Satoru stands at the peak.
But Satoru throws a question back at him, and he opens his eyes again, still staring at the table. ]
I... [ Sorcerers exist to protect the weak. It hurts his pride more than his morals to go back on his own words. ] Because this can't be it.
[ Maybe it had mattered less whether non-sorcerers cared about their lives when it felt like someone cared. His schoolmates, his teachers, jujutsu society. Now he's not sure anyone does. They do what they're told, and that's all that matters. ]
I can't exist to just exorcise curses over and over, and then die, and have it not matter at all.
no subject
Getting stronger is the easiest answer. If they reached the same summit as him, or even reach the base of the mountain, then it would make all of their lives easier. It doesn't change the long-term problem, he's aware. That needs more planning and he has an inkling about where he'll tread.
Satoru lifts his head, sitting up straight along the backrest now instead. He never had a chance to see Suguru this defeated and he feels a twinge in his chest. ]
... It does matter.
[ Suguru told him plenty of times, but it only unfurled for him when he did reach the peak. The missions don't stop... They keep coming and the deaths as well. However, Japan stands as it is with non-sorcerers not knowing of their sacrifice. It doesn't stir resentment—he frankly doesn't like people—but it is the small things like the crepe stand they buy from, the aquariums to spy on people going on dates, and yearly beach episodes.
As much as it's for non-sorcerers, it's also for them. ]
With all that we've experienced and learned, we can change the future.
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But maybe he could at least share that burden with Satoru, if it was something he wanted to pursue. And maybe they could change the future.
He feels like he should feel hope, or relief, or something, but there's nothing.
He only feels tired. ]
Can we?
[ Keep exorcising, keep swallowing curses. Is there a future where he no longer needs to do that? ]
How are we supposed to keep up with all the curses and change things at the same time? We're never going to be able to help ourselves, if we're too busy helping them.
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His hands rest on his lap, away from view, eyes downcast at the flutter of his eyelashes. ]
I don't have immediate plans, but I know we would figure it out. You're already thinking about research. [ They can juggle. They already do. They can make some small changes first to make it easier, as long as they have support, as long as they have each other. ] ... Don't you believe in us?
[ "LONELINESS" appears somewhere on his uniform. ]
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Except that was then, and Satoru is stronger now. Satoru is only going to get stronger, and if he wanted to change things, then Suguru is sure that he could. He could do whatever he wanted, really, cradling jujutsu society in the palm of his hand, and shaping it however he pleases.
But... this isn't Satoru's problem. They're supposed to be equals, but he's just going to become another weight for Satoru to carry. ]
I... [ The white of the ink over Satoru's uniform catches his eye, stopping his words and thoughts short, a sudden twinge in his chest.
Satoru's hands aren't on the table anymore, so he tries to get his gaze instead. ]
Satoru, no matter what, you'll be my best friend.
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The break in somber conversation has him tilt his head first, then snort into a laugh. ]
What's up with you blurting that all of the sudden? [ He does lift his head, eyes bright like the smile he flashes. ] You'll always be my best friend.
[ That will never change no matter what twists and turns wait for them, whether they ascend to godhood or spiral into the depths of hell. It's this bond alone that taught him what loneliness is and it's why it shows as white ink on his uniform.
By the way, he kicks him under the table. Lightly, not gently. ]
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It's just that...
[ He doesn't want Satoru to feel lonely, that's all. He's the closest, dearest friend that he's ever had, and even if he's not sure if that's enough to keep him from slipping, it's one of the only things that drives him to stay on the path of a sorcerer. ]
Take your own advice and don't bottle things up.
Even if I leave, it's not because I don't care about the school or you and Shoko. So...
[ trust me. ]
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[ Said in the most tired and irritated tone possible. Satoru throws his head to the backrest and slumps down on his seat, not retaliating to the kick and wide spreading his legs under the table. ]
I'm not. [ Firmly, before he lets out a body's worth of a sigh. ] I just don't know what's the best way to do this and I don't want to screw it up.
[ To soften the edge, when he has always been one to sharpen it. ]
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He goes back to eating his beans. ]
Just talk to me. I'll help you.
[ Says the biggest problem here. ]
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Later. [ For once, he's going to think it over instead of jumping onto decisions, but he gives off the air that there's sincere intent. He'll come to him later...
For now, something immediate as he straightens up in his seat: ] How do I make you feel less strongly that?
[ He points to where those words are or were. ]
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He blinks, looking down at his uniform where the words disappeared during their conversation. Talking about it again brings a queasy feeling to his stomach, shame and fear roiling at the bottom of his belly. ]
Why would you want to?
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You are so annoying!!! ]
Because I can see that it bothers you!
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... I don't know.
[ Wow, he's really irredeemable. ]
Even being here and talking to people, I don't feel any differently.
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However, this is different. How is he not supposed to notice when Suguru's face twists over the topic? He kicks him again. ]
But it's not an intense feeling.
[ he's trying to understand the gauge here... where is Suguru's mind? ]
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Not right now. I mean... we have more important problems to deal with.
[ He still resents non-sorcerers, but it's more like a simmering flame. They're not his main issue at the moment, so he's largely apathetic to their existence. ]
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[ Just being normal, but being on somewhat the same page... And they can circle back to this later. Suguru promised he'd help him, after all. He doesn't know what that looks like when Suguru is the problem itself, but.
It's something? It's also annoying to not have it fixed right away. ]
If it flares up, tell me.
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