[ It is! And we have to witness a gunshot down in the hallway of the stars or whatever it's called. They really animated it like this and at first Satoru is warmed to see Suguru in his element, caring for others, and Riko letting her emotions flow. It's bitter sweet.
He lets the moment set in silence before he speaks again. ]
[ Damn... Toji really is a monster of some kind. It is making Satoru rethink the jujutsu world when heavenly restriction can turn into a military tank. They can have nothing to say and that's all right. ]
Same here.
[ We only have so many memshares. ]
She'd think us getting emotional over her would be gross, though.
[ Like that's the important part of it. He isn't sure what Suguru is smiling about, he often smiles, so he doesn't assume it's something stupid that happened to him. ]
... You don't blame yourself for what happened then, right?
[ He asked this before back then, but he may as well ask again. Time sometimes isn't enough. ]
[ Okay, well. What Suguru was expecting was for Satoru to open to him about the paranoia he's carried ever since Toji beat his ass, and the incessant pressure to always be in control and safe.
What he was not expecting? This.
The words sink in, making no sense, and yet being so very easy to picture.
A village. Non-sorcerers. Screaming, yelling, letting his blood and sanity slip for the sake of their ungrateful safety.
He killed them all? And his own parents?
His own parents?
He yanks his wrist from Satoru's grip, half expecting the explanation to be a joke, but fully knowing that it isn't. ]
[ lmao no because he doesn't quite understand his trauma enough to elaborate or explain it... i'm sorry... he's stupid...
No, don't yank away! He's going to hold on. ]
I was going to! But so much kept happening that I forgot sometimes! [ that isn't an excuse, but it is the reality. ] I...
[ Damn, there are so many emotions and it isn't even about him. Is he well-equipped to understand everything he feels? Not really, but some of it is too familiar. Whenever they were together, he softened the edges and he could relax a bit. He enjoyed every single second, even if it came at his expense sometimes. It was fun.
He missed him.
... That isn't an excuse, no. He shouldn't have one. His shoulders slump even though he's gritting his teeth. ]
You should have. [ His voice is snarl by the time he replies, furious in a way that he rarely ever is, and only ever is with Satoru. This time heedless of the remorse that's being shown.
He hadn't wanted Satoru to know about the ugly thing festering inside of him, the steadily building hatred that left him feeling alone, and a little insane, steadily driving him to betray all the morals he once espoused. The magic of this place had made it impossible to hide, writing his secrets over his body, and he remembers the cold fear he'd felt when he'd first been forced to speak of it.
But it hadn't mattered. Satoru had known all along.
He feels dizzy with anger, and horrified at the future that awaits.
And hurt, too. He had thought maybe Satoru was affected by the isolation as much as he was. ]
So that's why you've been so concerned about me? Sticking so close to me? [ He takes a breath, knuckles digging into his closed eyes. ] You were afraid I'd snap and kill the people here?
[ Childishly, he matches Suguru's energy. Yes, he should have. Yes, he was negligent. He admitted it. It doesn't need to be repeated. Catching himself, he tries to placate himself, even though Suguru's tone incites the will to fight.
Satoru thought he was careful and showed consideration in a different way than he normally would... Trying to find the right time, even though it slipped through the cracks and opportunities passed thanks to his selfishness. An intentional silence was in mind to let Suguru spill all he can and wants, quickly foiled when those inflammatory questions escape his lips.
Satoru's mind, his heart, his whole soul knows he wronged him, but his body moves to the fury that ignites in his core. The hand on Suguru's wrist swaps to grabbing him by the collar, violently tugging him closer.
Eyes wide, teeth grinding, he's looking like a wild animal ready to bite... A wounded animal, lashing out from the pain. ]
Were you always such an idiot?! [ He violently jostles Suguru, trying displace the hand against his eyes. The volume rises and rises. ] You're my best friend and I care about you! Not enough?! Do I have to spell it out?! I was concerned because I care about you! I stuck close because I like being with you!
[ A silence rolls in, but he breaks it. Quieter, but tone still sharp. ]
[ Sometimes you are eighteen, and plucked away to a weird pocket dimension battle royale while in the midst of a mental health crisis, and trying to hide said mental health crisis from your best friend with whom you get to be close again, and also people are dying left and right, and you both might also die at any moment, and then your best friend tells you that you did not in fact triumph over your struggles and murdered a village full of people as well as your own parents. And also your ass is fat as hell.
It's a lot to process, and Satoru getting in his face doesn't help. He can't reconcile I don't want to leave him with you're a curse user with I care about you, and for a moment he embraces the future that Satoru had just described. It obviously doesn't matter anymore. He's not going to survive this marathon, anyway. It would be easier just not to care.
His hand drops, and he looks at Satoru as requested. ]
You only care about yourself.
[ Not true. He knows it's not true. But he's ricocheting between fear and hurt and apathy, and he just wants Satoru to leave him alone so that he can sort out his thoughts. But there's a fog in his head, emotion taking over reason, and he can't think clearly anymore.
His hand closes over the one Satoru has bunched in his shirt. ]
You don't want to be alone, so you're trying to manipulate me into staying. Isn't that what it really is?
[ In his mind, he delivers this with a cold cruelty, and maybe in another time, without all of this, he might've. But in reality, his voice shakes with uncertainty, mind begging his heart to give up on the fear that's currently suffocating him. He can't keep up, that he already knew, but now he doesn't even want to try.
And now, he has no right to ever even ask Satoru for help.
He can't put any of that it words though, so he just tightens his hold on Satoru's hand and lunges forward to headbutt him in the face. ]
[ He hated everything Suguru said and he could retaliate back, correct or confirm him not only for his best friend's peace of mind but for himself. It rests on the tip of his tongue.
This could have been without violence, but Suguru headbutted him first and the cracking pain spreads across his forehead. Instinctively, he changes the fight from words to fists... Adrenaline running through his veins always burned his neurons alight, but there's no satisfaction or fun in this.
[ They're probably overdue for some violence. There has been a lot happening that they've just had to endure, and right now, he probably couldn't even articulate what he wants to say, if he tried. It's easier just to grapple with Satoru, pour all his frustration and helplessness into his fists.
They fight, and he'll probably be bruised and sore afterwards, but eventually the anger drains out of him, and he stops fighting back and starts putting distance between them, stumbling until he can sit on the floor again, cover his eyes with his hands.
But at least he doesn't start spouting anymore bullshit. ]
Good thing you got cursed with a fat ass to cushion the bullshit you're probably thinking and your fall.
[ Says Satoru, splayed on the floor like a starfish. His body aches in a way it hasn't in a long time with every muscle fiber straining... Sure, he had a little fight with Karma and it was for fun, but it isn't the same when raw emotions are weaved in.
It isn't enough to get him to shut the fuck up, though. ]
[ OKAY On a normal day that would be enough for him to yank Satoru into another fight, but today he stays quiet. He shifts so that one leg is bent, and he can rest his arm against it, head tilting forward to let his hair fall across his face.
At least his head is clearer now, the initial rush of emotion left a nauseating simmer. ]
He should feel oh so vindicated when he hears an apology, but nothing washes over him. Nothing at all. If anything, he feels worse and that is incredibly annoying. There's no venom left in him, no motivation to say "you should be," and it's not like he genuinely thinks or means that.
Drawing his limbs in, he tries to get comfortable. Ow. ]
It's okay.
[ Truthfully, he would absolve Suguru of almost anything. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It's too bad we didn't get to fight him together.
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He stays quiet, pensive. ]
Yeah.
[ Not that Satoru needed him in the end but I don't want to get into that angst so here. ]
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He lets the moment set in silence before he speaks again. ]
... So that's what happened.
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He just sits there too, trying to figure out what to say. ]
I've seen a lot of memories with her lately.
[ He misses her. ]
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Same here.
[ We only have so many memshares. ]
She'd think us getting emotional over her would be gross, though.
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[ Remembering how she smacked Satoru in the fact with a smile. ]
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[ Like that's the important part of it. He isn't sure what Suguru is smiling about, he often smiles, so he doesn't assume it's something stupid that happened to him. ]
... You don't blame yourself for what happened then, right?
[ He asked this before back then, but he may as well ask again. Time sometimes isn't enough. ]
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The question makes him pause, gaze shifting away. ]
Didn't we go over this already?
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[ What's wrong with making sure? He bumps their shoulders. ]
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You don't need to worry about me so much.
[ It's making him self-conscious. ]
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However, he thinks he should at least broach this. ]
Remember I said I would talk to you... [ He rubs his neck. ] I would rather it be from me than from you seeing my memories.
[ Which is bound to happen. Sorry this is happening on fat ass thread. ]
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He looks back at Satoru at that, trying to catch his eye. ]
I get it. [ Reaches out for Satoru's hand, just giving it a gentle squeeze before letting go. ] I'd rather hear it from you too.
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I don't know what exactly happened... Or why, but you went on a mission and killed everyone in the village. Your parents were next.
[ Not beating around the bush about any of this, but his tone is leveled, and careful. ]
When I found you, you told me you wanted to make a world without non-sorcerers.
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What he was not expecting? This.
The words sink in, making no sense, and yet being so very easy to picture.
A village. Non-sorcerers. Screaming, yelling, letting his blood and sanity slip for the sake of their ungrateful safety.
He killed them all? And his own parents?
His own parents?
He yanks his wrist from Satoru's grip, half expecting the explanation to be a joke, but fully knowing that it isn't. ]
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
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No, don't yank away! He's going to hold on. ]
I was going to! But so much kept happening that I forgot sometimes! [ that isn't an excuse, but it is the reality. ] I...
[ Damn, there are so many emotions and it isn't even about him. Is he well-equipped to understand everything he feels? Not really, but some of it is too familiar. Whenever they were together, he softened the edges and he could relax a bit. He enjoyed every single second, even if it came at his expense sometimes. It was fun.
He missed him.
... That isn't an excuse, no. He shouldn't have one. His shoulders slump even though he's gritting his teeth. ]
I should have.
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He hadn't wanted Satoru to know about the ugly thing festering inside of him, the steadily building hatred that left him feeling alone, and a little insane, steadily driving him to betray all the morals he once espoused. The magic of this place had made it impossible to hide, writing his secrets over his body, and he remembers the cold fear he'd felt when he'd first been forced to speak of it.
But it hadn't mattered. Satoru had known all along.
He feels dizzy with anger, and horrified at the future that awaits.
And hurt, too. He had thought maybe Satoru was affected by the isolation as much as he was. ]
So that's why you've been so concerned about me? Sticking so close to me? [ He takes a breath, knuckles digging into his closed eyes. ] You were afraid I'd snap and kill the people here?
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[ Childishly, he matches Suguru's energy. Yes, he should have. Yes, he was negligent. He admitted it. It doesn't need to be repeated. Catching himself, he tries to placate himself, even though Suguru's tone incites the will to fight.
Satoru thought he was careful and showed consideration in a different way than he normally would... Trying to find the right time, even though it slipped through the cracks and opportunities passed thanks to his selfishness. An intentional silence was in mind to let Suguru spill all he can and wants, quickly foiled when those inflammatory questions escape his lips.
Satoru's mind, his heart, his whole soul knows he wronged him, but his body moves to the fury that ignites in his core. The hand on Suguru's wrist swaps to grabbing him by the collar, violently tugging him closer.
Eyes wide, teeth grinding, he's looking like a wild animal ready to bite... A wounded animal, lashing out from the pain. ]
Were you always such an idiot?! [ He violently jostles Suguru, trying displace the hand against his eyes. The volume rises and rises. ] You're my best friend and I care about you! Not enough?! Do I have to spell it out?! I was concerned because I care about you! I stuck close because I like being with you!
[ A silence rolls in, but he breaks it. Quieter, but tone still sharp. ]
Look at me.
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It's a lot to process, and Satoru getting in his face doesn't help. He can't reconcile I don't want to leave him with you're a curse user with I care about you, and for a moment he embraces the future that Satoru had just described. It obviously doesn't matter anymore. He's not going to survive this marathon, anyway. It would be easier just not to care.
His hand drops, and he looks at Satoru as requested. ]
You only care about yourself.
[ Not true. He knows it's not true. But he's ricocheting between fear and hurt and apathy, and he just wants Satoru to leave him alone so that he can sort out his thoughts. But there's a fog in his head, emotion taking over reason, and he can't think clearly anymore.
His hand closes over the one Satoru has bunched in his shirt. ]
You don't want to be alone, so you're trying to manipulate me into staying. Isn't that what it really is?
[ In his mind, he delivers this with a cold cruelty, and maybe in another time, without all of this, he might've. But in reality, his voice shakes with uncertainty, mind begging his heart to give up on the fear that's currently suffocating him. He can't keep up, that he already knew, but now he doesn't even want to try.
And now, he has no right to ever even ask Satoru for help.
He can't put any of that it words though, so he just tightens his hold on Satoru's hand and lunges forward to headbutt him in the face. ]
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This could have been without violence, but Suguru headbutted him first and the cracking pain spreads across his forehead. Instinctively, he changes the fight from words to fists... Adrenaline running through his veins always burned his neurons alight, but there's no satisfaction or fun in this.
He's just mad. ]
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They fight, and he'll probably be bruised and sore afterwards, but eventually the anger drains out of him, and he stops fighting back and starts putting distance between them, stumbling until he can sit on the floor again, cover his eyes with his hands.
But at least he doesn't start spouting anymore bullshit. ]
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[ Says Satoru, splayed on the floor like a starfish. His body aches in a way it hasn't in a long time with every muscle fiber straining... Sure, he had a little fight with Karma and it was for fun, but it isn't the same when raw emotions are weaved in.
It isn't enough to get him to shut the fuck up, though. ]
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At least his head is clearer now, the initial rush of emotion left a nauseating simmer. ]
... I'm sorry.
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He should feel oh so vindicated when he hears an apology, but nothing washes over him. Nothing at all. If anything, he feels worse and that is incredibly annoying. There's no venom left in him, no motivation to say "you should be," and it's not like he genuinely thinks or means that.
Drawing his limbs in, he tries to get comfortable. Ow. ]
It's okay.
[ Truthfully, he would absolve Suguru of almost anything. ]
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[ He doesn't say anything else though, letting his head fall against the arm he has resting on his knee, exhaustion taking the place of anger. ]
So there must be an execution order out for me.
[ You don't get to kill that many people and just go about your day. ]
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[ He isn't going to lie. It would be stupid when Suguru knows the rules better than him. ]
But for you, none of that has happened. [ ... ] And it doesn't need to happen.
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