I thought about it. Marian died twenty years ago. I'd be dragging back an eleven year old girl who'd missed two decades and wouldn't understand where the rest of the family had gone. I'd doubt she'd recognize me.
It's not something I can let go of. But it's not a good idea, bringing her back. [She looks down at her fingers. Her hand has warped some. The bandages are off and she can see the seared skin no matter how far down her sleeve falls.] I already got a taste of it this Thursday. It's a dream. And it needs to stay a dream.
I don't want you going into this feeling like you have to shut everything down. Pretend like nothing bothers you. If there's something on your mind, I want to know.
You can be a little selfish, Geto. Your life is barely just beginning.
[ He looks a little unsure about what to do with that, and there's a moment where he's clearly trying to figure out what to say. If it's worth it this late in the game. ]
I want to apologize to you.
You remember that first week, where writing was appearing on us?
You opened up to me, about things you didn't even want to.
[ A bit of hesitation. ]
You know that where I come from, negative energy creates cursed spirits, right? And that's what I'm trained to fight.
So when you showed me your scars, my first thought was... "How many curses would you create?"
[ How dangerous would she be, in his world, to his fellow sorcerers? ]
Instead of sympathizing or being angry for you—you were just a kid—that's what I thought. But I played the part of a good guy, and now you trust me, and...
[She waits it out. Gives it a bit of breathing time after. Sorts her own thoughts. It's a mixed bag. The stakes aren't as real for her, having only second hand knowledge and visions. But the thick emotion he says it with is real. The shame of it.
Camille cants her head. Reaches up, touching his shoulder lightly.]
How is it ugly? If that's the way the world works where you come from, if it's a threat, then...why wouldn't it be your first thought?
[Her mouth quirks.]
Frankly, once I found out about that I was wondering much the same thing. There's a lot of ways to make a curse, it seems. And you didn't know me, Geto. I shouldn't have been showing you the scars in the first place. It's more on me than on you, for dropping a bunch of needless baggage in your lap.
Besides, if you really are so terrible, why would you be so torn up about it now?
[ She offers up excuses for him, and he kind of expected that she would. He doesn't have much faith in people, but he knew in his heart that she wouldn't condemn him, even though she should. ]
I treated you like a problem instead of a person. That isn't fair.
You can't erase things. [So speaks the woman who wiped her body free of all maiming. Camille grimaces. Looks down to her hands.] People can think what they like. And plenty have thought worse. About me, or other people like me. They've said it to my face. Or made it clear, through the things they do.
There's a point though. You can either look at what you've done, what damage you caused, and ask why it is you regret it. What took you to place where you regret it, and why.
From there, you can use it to check what you're doing in the here and now. That's the only place you'll be able to make a difference in.
You didn't treat me cruelly, Geto. No matter what you may have thought to start. Instead you were helpful to me. Moreso than I was to you, at times.
[Finding out that Karlach had a partner after she'd stupidly accosted her at trial was rough. Finding out weeks later that partner had been Geto?
The sting of guilt is sharp. A close fucking call. It's almost justice that she'd been brought in to kill Daan instead. A small favour to atone for havoc nearly wreaked.]
Unless you're planning on pulling the rug out from under me now, I think that speaks more to your character than a shitty first impression.
[What she wants to say is you're still young. Plenty of time to change.
Amma was young, too. Camille had been young, and never got better. Never gave herself the chance, never got gifted one by concerned friends and family. Frankly speaking, this fucked up two-month stint off-world has garnered her more clemency and understanding than she's ever known in her life, much less all at once. Frank and Eileen were helping, but they were a two-man army going it solo in a twenty year battle. She was a weight around their necks, and she knows it.
But it doesn't have to be that way. It shouldn't have to be.]
Especially if you have help. People who give a damn.
[ He wants to believe it. Even if there's a part of him that feels permanently broken. That desire to be good, and to be noble. To give himself up for the sake of what's right.
There are times again where he feels like nothing will ever get better, and there's no escaping the sheer hopelessness that plagues him. He thinks he might as well remain apathetic, because the alternative only causes suffering.
... But he thinks it'll pass. There are still good moments. ]
Thanks, Camille. [ He squeezes her hand in return. ] Despite what I first felt, I admired you too.
You were still trying to change despite going through it alone. I don't think I could've done that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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At that, he pauses. ]
Have you considered bringing her back?
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I thought about it. Marian died twenty years ago. I'd be dragging back an eleven year old girl who'd missed two decades and wouldn't understand where the rest of the family had gone. I'd doubt she'd recognize me.
It's not something I can let go of. But it's not a good idea, bringing her back. [She looks down at her fingers. Her hand has warped some. The bandages are off and she can see the seared skin no matter how far down her sleeve falls.] I already got a taste of it this Thursday. It's a dream. And it needs to stay a dream.
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You should get something out of all of this.
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[She looks to him.]
What are you getting out of this? Are you really okay? Because you're running out of time to speak up about it.
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Time marches on whether someone's okay or not. We have a job to do, so we'll do it.
We don't really have the luxury of anything else.
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I don't want you going into this feeling like you have to shut everything down. Pretend like nothing bothers you. If there's something on your mind, I want to know.
You can be a little selfish, Geto. Your life is barely just beginning.
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I want to apologize to you.
You remember that first week, where writing was appearing on us?
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What about it?
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[ A bit of hesitation. ]
You know that where I come from, negative energy creates cursed spirits, right? And that's what I'm trained to fight.
So when you showed me your scars, my first thought was... "How many curses would you create?"
[ How dangerous would she be, in his world, to his fellow sorcerers? ]
Instead of sympathizing or being angry for you—you were just a kid—that's what I thought. But I played the part of a good guy, and now you trust me, and...
You don't even know how ugly I really am.
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Camille cants her head. Reaches up, touching his shoulder lightly.]
How is it ugly? If that's the way the world works where you come from, if it's a threat, then...why wouldn't it be your first thought?
[Her mouth quirks.]
Frankly, once I found out about that I was wondering much the same thing. There's a lot of ways to make a curse, it seems. And you didn't know me, Geto. I shouldn't have been showing you the scars in the first place. It's more on me than on you, for dropping a bunch of needless baggage in your lap.
Besides, if you really are so terrible, why would you be so torn up about it now?
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I treated you like a problem instead of a person. That isn't fair.
And I never owned up to it. It's been weeks.
[ He just let her believe... ]
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Do you still think I'm a problem?
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[ He frowns. ]
But...
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But what?
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[ Where is the justice for his misdeeds... ]
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There's a point though. You can either look at what you've done, what damage you caused, and ask why it is you regret it. What took you to place where you regret it, and why.
From there, you can use it to check what you're doing in the here and now. That's the only place you'll be able to make a difference in.
You didn't treat me cruelly, Geto. No matter what you may have thought to start. Instead you were helpful to me. Moreso than I was to you, at times.
[Finding out that Karlach had a partner after she'd stupidly accosted her at trial was rough. Finding out weeks later that partner had been Geto?
The sting of guilt is sharp. A close fucking call. It's almost justice that she'd been brought in to kill Daan instead. A small favour to atone for havoc nearly wreaked.]
Unless you're planning on pulling the rug out from under me now, I think that speaks more to your character than a shitty first impression.
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Wow, you're actually wise.
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Don't get fresh with me.
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Sorry. [ ... ] I do want to be different.
I just hope it's still possible.
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[What she wants to say is you're still young. Plenty of time to change.
Amma was young, too. Camille had been young, and never got better. Never gave herself the chance, never got gifted one by concerned friends and family. Frankly speaking, this fucked up two-month stint off-world has garnered her more clemency and understanding than she's ever known in her life, much less all at once. Frank and Eileen were helping, but they were a two-man army going it solo in a twenty year battle. She was a weight around their necks, and she knows it.
But it doesn't have to be that way. It shouldn't have to be.]
Especially if you have help. People who give a damn.
[She takes his hand then. Gives it a squeeze.]
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There are times again where he feels like nothing will ever get better, and there's no escaping the sheer hopelessness that plagues him. He thinks he might as well remain apathetic, because the alternative only causes suffering.
... But he thinks it'll pass. There are still good moments. ]
Thanks, Camille. [ He squeezes her hand in return. ] Despite what I first felt, I admired you too.
You were still trying to change despite going through it alone. I don't think I could've done that.