turbulency | scary: laudna

[ He blinks. ]

Why do you hate Astarion...?

I don't hate him. [but her emotions are very, very envious.] I just don't like that he's pretending he won the pageant. I won.

... Which pageant is that?

The one we were in. That we competed in.

What kind of pageant?

I suppose it was... well, we had to dress and look nice and answer questions and show our talents and succeed at acting and kill.

[ OKAY ]

Kill... who?

Um. All of the competition at first, but ultimately ourselves!

... So did you?

Well, I did, and that's why I won.

Are you happy about it?

Of course I am! I won!

[she's so happy! because she won!]

[ Okay. This is a really strong effect, but he guesses it is better than being... traumatized...? ]

Did you get anything for winning?

[still smiling! still happy! the feeling is getting... less and less certain.]

I won.

[ Concern. ]

Was it worth killing the others for?

It was worth killing everyone for. I won.

Why did you want to win so badly?

[hmm. some bad feelings rising at this question.]

Well. I couldn't really remember much other than entering and wanting to win. And I knew Delilah wanted me to win - there was something important about it.

[but she can't remember the why.]

I think maybe... whoever won would deserve to be alive?

[ He frowns, his own discontent rising at the mention of that name. ]

Why would you want to do what Delilah wants?

[this comment makes her guilt spike hard, but.]

...Well. I just did. I didn't remember any of the times I promised to have her gone. [it was an au.] But I also have often done things because Delilah wanted me to. Maybe it's hard to understand. I've been alone with her in my head for decades, and it's just... easier, when she's happy.

[ Oh, he simmers down. A little guilt of his own at having spoken so thoughtlessly.

He sighs. ]

... Yeah. That makes sense. [ When you're alone, all kinds of things start making sense. ] So... that's why you wanted to win? So you'd deserve to live?

...I think so. It felt like, if I didn't, I wouldn't be.

Do you still feel like that?

A little. But it feels less real now.

[ He doesn't really know who deserves and doesn't deserve to live. And to be honest, he doesn't even know if it matters because... ]

I'm glad you're alive. I hope you want to live.

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